mE.myseLf.mIne [~°cLäRã°~]

`entry 75 back

2010-03-25T14:27:00.000+08:00

25`o3`2o1o
so long since i last blogged! hahas
surprised that i still remember my account.
haix. recently like so sianx like that...
and.. 人之初，性本善.
is this true?? think it's not applicable to the society nowadays.
people are changing! having a different attitude
different perspective.
but some old habits are hard to die.
like how i used to prepare last min for exams..
despite knowing that it wont work, but just cant help with last min work...
was telling shan how i scold my student
not scold.. it's just bu shuang.
suddenly everything sounds so familiar...
like what i used to hear...
人之初，性本善.
what really does it mean?
is it that you dont know someone in the first place,
so you got to act friendly and act kind?
but. afterall, one will go back to it's original form..
those disgusting and ugly side of human nature.
so i n the first place, everything is just a mask..
now.. more and more people start to remove their masks.
and people i once know become so different!
completely different.
i felt like just asking them in their face.
CONFRONTATION! but. i am bound to be the party who will lose.
just that masked people can play with their identity so well that people will take the same side as them.
isnt this irritating??!
there isnt justice or fairness in the society..
justice and fairness were just rich man's play.
or rather masked man's play!
i start to wonder if i am also becoming one of them inevitably...

`masked identity is an issue to take note of_____

`entry 74 having a firm stand

2009-12-28T19:24:00.000+08:00

28`12`2oo9
just realised how long since i last blogged...
has been a month!
haix.. this one month.
so many things happened.
despite things happening, i still failed to learnt any lessons.
FAILED to be a better friend.
FAILED to be a better person..
sometimes things are just so amazing...
at a certain period of time, you can be so closely tied with your friend.
but still.. there are still moments whereby you start to think.
start to ponder!!!
i WILL!! i was like thinking and thinking about it.
i dont understand how relationships can be so bizzare.
you can also be VERY VERY closed with someone..
but! at the other moment, ties can just severed like that!
i dont like the feeling.... DONT LIKE!
is there any solution to salvage this?!
i do not want this to become like that!!
evrything is like in a deep shit! total mess.
on top of it... i somehow felt like i am drifted away...
DRIFTED AWAY from everything that once belonged to me..
or rather things i thought that meant so dearly to me...
how come things can just drift away like that!? getting further and further.
the feeling is so distant.. how can i ever overcome it...
it's so hard.. no matter how hard i try,
i dont see any improvements....
no matter how tight i am grasping, things are still so intangible as they were....
again.. the lousy feeling came back...
have not been getting that feeling....
but somehow it just came back. or is it i am avoiding it in the first place..
pretending to be unconscious of it.
but as it become so obvious and noticable, i will have to come out of the pretense..

`might just break down one day_____

`entry 73 is that clare's addiction?

2009-11-10T21:34:00.002+08:00

1o`11`2oo9

就让我慢慢学习

学习悲伤的时候

不闭上眼睛

趁眼泪还没形成前

就在空气中蒸发掉

such a meaningful phrase..
very profound..
but true. everything needs time to learn and time to heal...
but the healing process is still so long!!
haix.. wonder when will miracles happen to me...
so many people had their heart filled..
but why not mine..
the feeling of emptiness is suddenly back!!
and it is so so so tangible...
haix. sometimes really dont understand why...
haix..
and this few days.
some how. some day...
i was late for school....
haix.. and the lecture really sianx diao sometimes...
haix. i am already trying very hard not to fall asleep...
trying not to fall asleep during lectures...
monday got stats lesson!! interesting..
the attendance was so overwhelming that the management people had to do a spot check on the people...
then, lynda had to walk out of the lecture.
i borrowed the notes from my friend..
really thanks so much..
apprepciate it..
sociology ended late..
then my friend couldnt board the bus..
so sorry.. not purposely de.
but really thank you so much
hahas...
and i suddenly realised that i have got a very serious problem.
and i am trying not to think of it so seriously...
is that addiction???
lol. i start to think that it is addicition...
it can only be pure addiction bahx...
due to the fact that i cant find any reason or explanation to it.
or it doesnt seems so simple??
and there are more into it? haix..
i am so so confused now... hoping that an explanation will just pop into my mind...
will it???
hopefully it will. but is it just addiction only..
then. the problem is.........
if it is just addiction, then. will i be able to overcome that addiciton??
but... if it is just addiction. then why will i still think of it??
i just cant take it out of my mind...
my mind is filled, but not my heart....
the emptiness just never fails to engulf me...

`i need to prove that it was just pure addiction_____

`entry 72 not 3, but 4

2009-11-05T16:07:00.000+08:00

o5`11`2oo9
woa!!! it has been the 4th day!!
raining for 4 days liaox!
luckily i didnt get drenched today.
i managed to board the bus before it started to rain cats and dogs!
hahas. interesting!
4 days le.
and it was really relaxing!
raining was great...
how i wish it can rain heavily tomorrow.
then i will stay indoors, enjoying the rain.

`maybe there will be a rainbow after the rain_____

`entry 71 clare in the rain

2009-11-04T13:20:00.003+08:00

o4`11`2oo9
already consecutively 3 days in the rain...
monday, tuesday and wednesday.
felt kind of relief and great after a downpour.
feeling was indeed great.
was drenched though.
monday!! i was late for lect!!! lol! super dumb..
then i went home after lect.
the rain was damn heavy.. then SIM also no shelter...
should build more shelter. because a lot people was walking very slowly under the tiny winy shelter to the overhead bridge...
waste a lot of time. super squeezy also...
haix. i a bit cant stand the people walking slowly..
so i decided to act cool despite the rain raining so heavily..
i dashed across the unshelthered part to the overhead bridge..
the downpour was indeed so heavy that not much people dashed through it.
some how regretted! i was so wet. including my bag..
haix, didnt had my jacket with me then, cant dry my bag and myself..
the bus took damn long to arrive, and the bus stop wasnt completely sheltered too.
hahas. then went home. the bus ride was kind of cold then...
tuesday.. i was late for lecture!
couldnt board the bus.
missed quite a lot of the lecture...
then, i remembered,
i told myself to bring umbrella...
cox i believed that tuesday will be raining again.... but...
i had two lectures on tuesday.
the notes were already heavy enough. so i went out without the umbrella.
and indeed.. it started to rain... and similarly.
was waiting for the bus ride home then...
the journey was super long.. luckily i went to the upper deck and had a seat.
wonderful...
wednesday. raining. again....
i send my bro to the bus stop..
and it was suddenly raining so heavily..
so heavily.. i then thought of the monday and tuesday in rain.
i enjoyed myself in rain..
all the tired`ness and shag`ness was washed away by the rain...
but the downpour lasted for a few minutes only...
why are those wonderful and enjoyable moments always so short...
is it wonderful and memorable just because it is short?
or is it it is short because i find it wonderful and memorable?
then the crimson gold of the sun shone through the clouds..
instantly. i was hoping to see a rainbow..
it had been so long since i last seen a rainbow..
remembering that the last beautiful rainbow i seen was on 26th nov 2oo8.
but things are always beyong our control and expectation.
life is always unpredictable and full of mystery!
interesting...

and ya! thanks so much to zoey and meiqi...
hahas. always showering me with care and concern...
not that i am feeling unloved...
but think i am somehow....
alientated? or drifted apart?
yup.. hope to get more of the concerns from more people though...

`life is not what you want it to be, but what you make it become_____

`entry 70 long long ago

2009-10-25T18:12:00.001+08:00

25`1o`2oo9
it has been so long since i blogged. super long
cox that time really busy. so had to gave up all my time.
super sianx!
think today de mood is completely different from 1st oct bahx. at least i try to grow up..
who knows falling might be just another experience that i need to learn.
yup. just treat everything as a learning experience..
a simple gesture might mean different things.
things that are said might also be different.
an action that is taken by you may lead to a lot of different comments by people.
this might be due to the fact that we. people interpret things differently.
might be due to different cultural differences or values??
hmmx. things its like that... at least you learnt something while you fall?!
hahas. another way of consoling myself??
things are so different nowadays..
people are just reading too much into things! lol!
that firday! woa! super irritated...
i was waiting to board the train.
and messaging.. then my phone accidentally knocked into a bitch..
just bump into IT lightly! my phone slide didnt even slide down lahx.
so can imagine how light is the bump?!
freaking hell. i apologise some more..
then that bitch. woas.. childish bitch.
she purposely come bang into me when she was alighting...
what thw hell bitch lo! sucker!
hahas. and i am addicted to tao hua xiao mei. blog other day!
hahas

`to be continued_____

yup. back!
hahas. so sianx. suddenly so tired!
very very tired. feel like having a break. like not doing any thing at all..
have been saying this since dunno when. but simply just too little time for too much things..
hai. tired. sianx.
suddenly felt like going back to the past.. the past. not long ago.. but just a few months or years back??
just that period of time where i get a lot of care and concern.
a call asking me how i am,
a message asking me what i am doing, have i eaten my dinner, or have i finished my homework.
i really miss it a lot. suddely. really alot.
missing all the stuffs alot. but i dont really know what happened.
and things are left like that.. haix. i just no energy to care about it anymore.
some how tired. but hope all the things will come back..
miss my buddy a lot!

`entry 69 torn and shattered!

2009-10-01T22:43:00.005+08:00

o1`1o`2oo9
happy children's day!
but children day aint happy for me at all.
just another stupid day.
but at least intro to business and management is fun today!
i managed to survive the lecture! it's really okay!
first time i felt that it was so okay! i went to sit in front!
decided to sit in front, if not really cant concentrate!
then! woa. my blood really boiling with rage!
dont understand what people are thinking nowadays!
they are just so fake and bloody hell!
they are getting on my nerves! and haix! i really dont know what to do!
simply reading too much into things! trying to act professional.
professional in juggling masks?! sure they are!
but i really cant stand it anymore.
i am going mad soon! i was just not aware of which was the correct and real side?!
or the more you try to show and manifest,
the more you lost your true self!
this will be so pathetic! one without their true self, is like one without their identity!
then you might as well disappear! since it does not make any differences from the time you lost your character!
i really dunno what to say!
but wincy told me to have a damn attitude!
dont really care about it! give a freaking damn attitude.
woa! super! heck! sometimes it's this kinda of attitude that ensures survival!
thanks wincy!
haix. i dunno what am i really doing! i'm just sicked of it!
dont understand why and how things can become like that!
bloody deep shit! i suddenly thought of a question!
`which of the supernatural power do you want to have?
i had always wanted the power of reading thoughts! like edward cullen in twilight!
but after that, i realised that the best power was shield!
you need a shield to protect yourself from harm and dangers.
reading thoughts is cool. but how cool can it be?!
after being able to read the thoughts of people,
you realised that people arent as simple as you think?!
who knows how deep is the hatred your best friend had towards you?!
your friends plotting against you?
SEE?! reading thoughts just expose you to the ugly side of human nature that you do not want or rather do not wish to see at all!
how sad is that?! after being able to read thoughts, you discovered that people around you are walking with their masks. you are living in a pretentious world?!
i dont really like this kind of feelings! after knowing all these, then whom can you trust?!
at this point of time, i think i will just look for the man in the mirror!
the only one you cant trust! if you dont even trust the man in the mirror, then nodoby is worth your trust.
it takes a long time to build up a trust, but just one seconds to break it.

`do not impose on others what you do not want others to impose onto you_____

happy birthday, i hope you can hear that!

`entry 68 another day has gone

2009-09-26T22:35:00.000+08:00

26`o9`2oo9
just realised that i had spent another day just like that.
without doing anything productive.
hahas! i am always like that. i think
and~ i really really start to dread school.
not feeling the urge to do homework anymore.
sometimes it's like i cant catch up, and feel like hecking everything.
i know that i should not be having this kind of feelings.
but i just cant helped it.
believed that i am just used to this kind of attitude since sec 2.
that kind of rotten attitude, kind of simply cant be bothered.
when i dont understand the topic, i just let it be.
i thought that, as times goes by, i will understand,,,
LOL! this cant be true. then the homework!
seems to pile up! and i simply copy my work from others to get it over and done with.
copied from so many ppl! if i never remember wrongly...
hmmx. got sin theng, yan hong, meiqi, eleen, wei chiang...
hahas. so memorable then..
but now i realised that this wont bring me anywhere..
i have to change! and must change!
hahas. but hard to change...
so tired! feel like having a break..
a break from everything!
not going to school. and just relax!
dont think will happen at all.
haix. so tired! so sianx. no motivation anymore..
i just need to find my motivation and carry on with my work.
and! [random] i think. friends are meant to de drifted apart when they dont talk to each other that much.
dont really like that kind of feeling.
but what can i do?!
i cant be possibly talking to my friends every now and then..
i must be mad! to even thought of doing something like that.
but. friends come and go.. only true friends last forever..
cant do anything and dont wish to be doing anything.
sicked and tired!

`i need my motivation_____

`entry 67 i was like WHAT THE HELL!!!

2009-09-17T22:58:00.001+08:00

17`o9`2oo9
why must one be a hypocrite?
why must the words i heard different from what you say?
why must it be that i heard it from another person?
it's totally different from what you told me?!
i was like WHAT THE HELL! how come become like that?
you totally spoilt the original impression you held in my mind.
i really seen through you! is this the time whereby you really remove your mask and stop playing the role you wanted to? the role of an pure and innocent people?
i am so stunned! if this is the case, then forget it!
i dont want people to remove their masks anymore! i dont want to face the truth!
i dont want to see any more ugly sides of people!
now i totally understand that one cant judge the book by it's cover.
this is really so true!
i totally learnt it by heart now.
everything we see is just what they wanted us to see. it's not the true self they are.
i am so irritated about this fact! why must it be like that.
the trust and the bond that we had is no longer there.
everything is so weird! it looks like a totally different thing to me now.
maybe the world has come to a part whereby people had to pretend in other to be well liked.
but if the well liked you isnt who you really are, then arent you tired??
arent you tired of your acting and pretending?
i am really tired of it. i need a break out of it.
well, i will pretend that it is okay since you wont know what happened.
reflecting. thinking if i am also like that...

`i'm starting with the man in the mirror_____

`entry 66 speechless

2009-09-13T23:22:00.003+08:00

13`o9`2oo9
haix, i wonder what has really become of me!!
it's like i am feeling so pissed off! so!!
initially i was okay with it!
really okay! then i start to think of what i can do to make things better.
but in the end. this was the kind of attitude i get.
things dont pay back in a way i contributed!
this is unfair! then in a way~
i sort of have a thinking! i understood something.
since this is the way how things work out,
since the way of things working out follows a steady random pattern of reoccurence,
then i should not contribute so much.
i should not get myself involved so much.
i should just shut up and heck everything.
just simply heck everything that does not concern me.
is this considered selfish and bad?
but when things really appear in this way, what else can i do??!
i am always the one being at disadvantage...
it is always like that. i am so sicked of it,
but i said nothing! nothing i can say too.
everything seems to revolve around you.
can i have my own circle of revolution too?

`trying not to be the one to be revolving, tired of it_____

`entry 65 shout!

2009-09-04T09:38:00.000+08:00

o4`o9`2oo9

enegry can you come back to me??!
i really need my motivation and everything that i lack of from you!
OH MY GOD!
PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!

`entry 64 terror

2009-09-04T09:26:00.000+08:00

o4`o9`2oo9

just realised that i had not done any significant things in my life yet!
rotting and rotting. haix.
and i am always trying to trim myself for the sake of others..
like not to offend them and make them angry.
but what i am really doing is actually losing my own character!
not having a specific character is also a character bahx. hopefully it is?
and. the moment of waking up is always terror! always.
no matter how beautiful the dream is, there bound to be a moment of waking up.
and the best part of it still remain in the dream!
so no matter how wonderful the dream is, it is still a dream.
it wont get fulfilled anyway, will it?
it it does, then why is it that i dont get mine fulfilled?
i am so so so tired. tired of all these things..
i felt as if i am working for nothing...
cox, in the end of the day.. people iften got back a perfect square.
things are just repeating themselves in a pattern that we failed to notice.
no energy, no drive, no motivation!

`He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.
Raymond Hull, a Canadian playwright and television screenwriter.

`entry 63 silent

2009-08-29T00:14:00.002+08:00

29`o8`2oo9

i really thought i wont be affected.
but everything felt so different.
i already knew when my uncle told me that he will be going overseas for a project.
i already told myself to be prepared.
and it is always better for him to have a project to work on rather than having none.
i really understand that especially during the times like that.
so i should be glad for him..
and he said he will go, but never mention when he will go.
so i thought the time will be far from now.
far! damn far from now..
i always thought there is tomorrow.
tomorrows after tomorrows. but do you know that actually 'tomorrow' will come?
and it is really tomorrow! which is now! later.
i am so lost for words..
i do not know how to react at that instant.
i just nod my head and said okay. then. my tears just flow out..
the more he ask, the more i cant settle myself down.
i just cant help but start to cry out.
i tried not to cry in front of my cousins, they will be more hurt!
i told myself. i already told myself before!
i told myself not to cry, but that attempt just failed.
that bloody attempt failed me totally! thoroughly and completely!
i cried while walking back. i just dont dare to turn around and look at him.
i told him that i am okay. but in fact i am not!
bloodily not okay! i am so hurt inside yet i dont dare to tell him!
i just left and ran for the lift... he must be hurt too.
i know how bad it is to make him see me cry in front of him!
but i cant control my emotions and everything just break down.
it all broke down at that very instant.
everything i am unhappy and upset about.
everything that i am hiding to myself or pissed off of.
think i am just bottling up everything and just need to let everything out.
i never had a cry since dunno when.
felt kind of weak now, such a failure.
i am even crying while i blog.
why am i like that. useless.
just a few hours before he leave for his project, but i dont think i dare to call him.
it's like.. haix. some more mid-autumn festival is coming. yet he will be doing his project overseas. mid-autumn is the festival!!
每逢佳节倍思亲
this phrase is so damn true!!
haix, i felt so empty and useless in me!
i cried all the way from his place.
while walking, while taking train, while taking bus.
a part of me wanted to call him and wish him all the best for his project.
but the other significant part of me just forbids me to do that.
i suddenly heck my image while travelling home just now..
the true time whereby i expressed my true self. the time i am without a mask.
think people might just think that i am mad! i am so lost now.
do not really know what to do. but he actually meant a lot.
alot a lot to me. he is just like my father! i felt so hurt!
also because of this. i had cried everything out and started to feel a bit better
but not any better to think about it again..

`my attempt of not crying failed me totally_____

`entry 62 masked

2009-08-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

27`o8`2oo9

what is sociology?
the study of relationships between individuals and society..
society actually plays a very important role in shaping our thinking and also our perception..
and it's our perception that makes us who we are and how we behave.
so there is a link between human's behaviour and the society.
so should we blame the society for makeing us who we are today??
i start to realised and see everything..
we actually take on a different role everyday. the roles of a daughter, roles of a friend, roles of a passenger, roles of a passer by.
role playing is what we do in our daily lives.
and role playing is it!!
role playing!
people are taking on to different roles, they are actually putting on different masks!
they put on a mask to present how they should or rather would like to appear.
probably `mask a_ then they will "act" very nice to you. will share all laughters with you.
then `mask b_ they will tell you what is right and wrong.
`mask c_ share your problems with you, chat with you.
`mask d_ trying to help you...
`mask e_ console you while you feel down or let you vent your anger at them.
there are many many kinds of mask.
many different masks!
but! when do you know when is the time to put on which mask?
arent you tired of putting on all those masks?
originally, one wanted to put on the mask in order to look nicer, to present themselves in a better way. to cover their shortcomings...
but afterall. you just cant live without the mask! everything will get mixed up.
there are so many types of mask one wants to or rather has to wear when facing different people. they actually lost themselves...
and i am getting sicked of it!
how would i know how to react... i am confused.
one may look friendly, but what it actually look like behind the mask?
i wont know. i wont get to see it! but!
after knowing it's the mask, i think you look fake!
so fake. and i am stunned by everything. i dont know which part of it is real. and how much can i trust you. and trust is something very intangible. once broken, everything will be lost. it requires time to build up, but after losing it, even time will not be able to find it back.
is the face behind the mask really so horrifying that one cant show others?
arent you tired with all these role playing?
if you arent, i am! seriously!! i am sicked and tired of everything!
just wanted to heck everything and forget everything!
but hard to forget and start everything again! simply hard!
perhaps i am having a mask myself too.
having it in front of me to protect me from harms? to act stronger? so as to make people afraid of me? but when is it that i am without a mask? think those closer one should have seen me without a mask before, those are the times that i can play a role call 'myself'.
the role which i am more comfortable with.
maybe due to the fact that they know who i am, and i dont need to hide my feelings in front of them! i really need times to show my real identity.
please remove all the mask! i am afraid of those mask already! sicked of it!

`i am therefore i am_____

`entry 61 friday

2009-08-21T11:24:00.000+08:00

21`o8`2oo9

today is friday!!
so fast! my week like pass so fast even without me really noticing!
3 days of lect.. then lunch after lect?! then tuition after lunch!
think partly because of the busy life that i lead?!
woa! have been rushing to school, rushing for tutorials, rushing to meet up with friends for lunch and lastly rush for tuition!
so busy! sometimes i really feel like breaking free from everything! just a moment for me to rest myself well.
havent really get a long well rest!
a well deserved rest that i should get.
i want a good movie!
haix, is it me that is moving too slow or just that the time passes too fast!
how can things ever become like that! i am just getting sicked of everything!
soon! sicked and will dislike everything!
so tired! wonder where's the motivation i found for myself.
now, motivation gone, energy gone, drive gone!
just feel like having all the time
at least do something i enjoy. and letting time pass very slowly!
haix. so sianx!
going tuition soon! then after that, find some time to break free from everything..
and to let everything pass so slowly.
the paces of life is so fast that leads you to the end.
but in the end... what do you get?!
sometimes process of walking is more important than reaching the end point!
the scenery, the people, the things and the objects that made up your life.
each of them actually meant something and leading to different thing.
just like how every decision which is made will lead to different outcome.
life is about making decision at different point in times.
so actually life is just a reoccurence of things that happens.
i need my time!!!!

`too tired_____

`entry 60 inspiration

2009-08-17T11:10:00.000+08:00

17`o8`2oo9

i just realised that i always never fails to get my inspiration and motivation!!!
from somewhere and someone!
lol!
hahas. everything is like so meaningful.
i learnt somewhere just now,
`The best will make it, the ones who tried their best will eventually make it___
quite inspiring! at least not for the front part, i can still believe that i will eventually make it and going to try my best!
at the very least, giving up is nowhere near, neither it is better.
afterall, it is the process that is more important, the process that you learn from and also the process where you gain knowledge from it.
despite evertyhing not going smoothly, but, all these are just part and parcel of life.
you dont get to plan your life anyway, so life is always full of uncertainties.
only going through this door will lead you to the next. you will not reach the end point if you decide not to move and lament on everything. lamenting brings you no where, but trying does...
to believe in everything you have and to grab hold of every opportunities, make the best out of everything! believe in the decision you made and live with it!
eventually....
it will all work out!

`inspired, movtivated_____

`entry 59 notes~

2009-08-08T00:41:00.003+08:00

o8`o8`2oo9

asking sincerely..
energy please come back!
i need you a lot!

`i meant it, seriously_____

`entry 58 memories

2009-08-08T00:13:00.001+08:00

o8`o8`o9

memories...
something that you remember from the past
past events or events remembered.
memories are always beautiful and i regretted not living in memories..
or delusion.
sometimes, when the earth just revolves too fast,
or the ticking of clock just seems so rush.
then you feel like slowing down. even just for once!
can memories be brought back?! and start all over again..
ALL OVER AGAIN.
but again, will things change if a different decision was made?
will it be a total different thing?!
how i wish to go back again..
without it, i am lost.
just like... haix. the feeling of lost is so hard to describe..
everything seems to be lost in direction.
so lack of energy in everything i do!
LACK OF ENERGY, MOTIVATION, DRIVE!
haix, i wondered what really happened.
since i was the one saying all the craps.
my mind is in a whirl and everything doesnt seems right!
memories are meant to be beautiful so as to let it be memorable.
everything in memory is so perfect.
memories are beautiful because they are short!
but just because they are short, i havent had enough of it!
haix. so many things left unsaid and undone.
adding up to the whole load of regrets i already had!
when can i live without all these regrets?
things are always easier said than done!

`regretting_____

`entry 57 first day

2009-08-04T22:42:00.002+08:00

o4`o8`2oo9

woa. oh my god!
since when blogger became like this!
should be due to the face that i havent been blogging for long.
no loyal fans too! haix.
but... anyways...
today is the first day of school..
initially i longed for school to start, but now i dread going to school!
lol! no motivation any more!! woa, unlike when i was in JJC! LOL
i dread going to SCHOOL!
so tired! i yi shi hu tu...
then i waited for xinni, meiqi and moo like so early at the station.
then lecture was another ordeal! lol
can die lo.
the 2nd lecture of the day more worse!!!
i now then understand the `drinking a cup of coffee theory. that was crap lahx!
oh my god! can fall asleep.
then moo also showed me how extreme people do extreme things at their very extreme ends...
after that meet zoey.. woa! thanks so much for her listening ears!
if not i can die bottling up everything!! really glad to have one to depend on! REALLY!
then like.. i am on the verge of falling..
i am used to everything.. so used to it that i somehow took it for granted...
i thought it has became part of my routine, so a bit restless when things became like that.
i know i am falling but i cant afford to fall!!! cant fall!
sweet things are meant to be eaten, but i believed that they are meant to be fallen upon..
everything is so perfect!!! i am so used to the everything i once held..

`i need my 'energy' back_____

`entry 56 a week.

2009-07-19T20:05:00.002+08:00

19`o7`2oo9

woa. so sianx..
this is really a busy week lo!
have been going out and going out...
so tired!
hahas. hmmx. school going to start soon!
sometimes a bit contradict de..
one one hand i feel like going back to school..
once again to enjoy the life of being a student...
a life of student being, go school, gather with friends, go to lect, talk crap when you are actually supposed to pay attention.. then after school.. hang out together, be it lunch or movie..
but life isnt the same le lo! feel like going back jss or jj. really played a lot then..
if not i wont be ended up here. hahas, true~
then on the other hand when school start also sianx!!
hahas. like super boring like that.. then everything starts to revolve around studying...
lol! will get more irritated or fustrated when going for tuition lo!
stupid irritating!
people are always like that. they decided to do something..
and yet.. they will be like why not choose the other option?! haix.
dumb dumb!

`contradict ahhx_____

`entry 55 going bonkers

2009-07-06T16:22:00.003+08:00

o6`o7`2oo9

firstly, have to welcome ah pong back!!
hahas. so happy lo.
hmmx. then sianx diao again...
start to wonder why everyday got one sianx diao de feeling.
kind of used to it, but dont really like it..
it's like super boring lo..
then, you will start to envy others for everything they have.
just every small little things can make me envy lo..
haix. really!! i am starting to forget myself.
forgetting who i really am,
and also how easily contented i am in the past.
an i asking too much when i dont even have the chips in my hand.
everything looks like they are so far apart from me.
distant!
this word is like what i am trying to explain.
haix. then everything really dont go smoothly for me.
had a rotten weekend. starting from thursday lo!
woa! what the hell man.
things are like what the _.
haix..
sometimes i just cant stand it lo.
then people start to advise me to sit on it..
aiyo! so lame right, but sometimes it's like....
thanks for all that to actually cheer me up, though this method sucks.
hahas. really have to learn to see things from another perspective.
really, what may be the best for others may not be the best for you.
times like that, i really have to hold on to what i have and not let it slip away anymore.
giving up is not the only way out!! believe it!
hahas. probably will be happier when watch fei tian.
she like so cute lo.. can actually bring hopes to people.
but too bad, we seldom have this kind of show,
having a not too slim de female as lead. hahas

`雨过总会有天晴的时候_____

`entry 54 regrets

2009-06-24T21:19:00.003+08:00

24`o6`2oo9

it has been a real long time since the last time i was here.
haix. so many things happen with the ticking of the clock,
and the changing of high tides to low tides of the sea.
in fact, there is nothing much that can be done to change the fact..
or to change the results of something...
NOTHING CAN BE DONE.
i have been feeling so helpless recently..
start to think if i am that lousy.
i need people out there to constantly tell me that i am doing the right thing.
making the correct decision,
and walking in the correct direction.
i cant afford to lose my way any now and then.
when you no longer had the power within you to trust yourself,
or rather you lost your confidence...
you seek alternatives to make yourself feel right.
that is exactly what i am doing..
am i really so lousy now???
i am somehow lost in the midst and cant get out.
i cant see the path in front of me, so i need help!
some told me how rocky the path is, some told me despite the obstacles,
there will be a nice scenery in front waiting..
so no matter how tough the route is, it will be worth taking.
so which one is real? which one can i believe in?
i really cant afford to fall! i dont want to fall.
i had been falling all these times and i know how hurtful it is.
but from what i know.. that is the best path i have now.
i do not live anything to my name..
so i have to make a decision to change it.
this decision to make carries a significant impact!
huge impact.
am i making the right choice??
there was once someone who told me this...
` there is actually a lot of choices in life..
different choices will lead to different future.
life is always unfair and full of mystery..
you wont know how the scenery in front look like until you take a step forward.
so you must always be daring enough to take that step..
every step is worth taking,
cause you will get to see and know something new.
dont consider too much about alternatives...
alternatives are meant to be there to show you which is the correct decision to make.
dont be afraid of having alternatives.
always try to make the best out of the current situation.
then that is the best decision.
the opportunity cost is just the cost if the next best alternatives forgone.
and you wont know it unless you calculate it,
so dont calculate it.
there are just so many choices in life. dont get so messed up with it.
trust your instincts and you will know where to go, what to choose.
trust yourself. if you never trust yourself, then who will be there to trust you.
you will feel helpless when no one trust you._____
this speech is so true. i totally understand it..
but where are my instincts now? i have lost them and cant feel any thing at all.
i will make the best out of the things i have now..
i swear that i will.
to believe that i can.
at least i am trying to...

`just need someone to constantly tell me that i am right_____

`entry 53 passing by

2009-06-01T16:35:00.002+08:00

o1`o6`2oo9

like sometimes like this,
it is still warm when someone wish you wellness.
and believe in everything you do.
thanks for all that.
i really appreciated it.
heartwarming!

`glad to know that i am not neglected_____

`entry 52 giving up

2009-06-01T10:34:00.002+08:00

o1`o6`2oo9

is giving up really an easier way out??
i have been stuck inside this and somehow think that i am suffocated by all these.
this is not a very good feeling i can say.
but!! can someone just pull me out of all these things i am suffering?
i might die from all these.
cant even sleep well.
haix. i wish i can just dont need to bother and think of all these things..
but i just cant keep myself away from it!
everything just came crushing down on me.
the impact is so large and deadly.
i could hardly pull the bits and fragments of myself together.
sometimes, it is true that people will go to any length to delude themselves.
but i am now going to any length to glue myself together.
do you know how bad it feels when people are asking you where will you be going to,
when you do not really know where?
i am dying from all these.
it's kind of hard to reply.
as in i know this might be a form of concern,
but what i really need now may be consoling instead.

`do you understand_____

`entry 51 rotting

2009-05-19T11:05:00.002+08:00

19`o5`2oo9

hmmx. somehow true.
i have been forgetting myself..
but in the first place, do i forget myself first or do i get the feeling of being forgotten first.
the latter one seems true as i often got neglected.
for who i am. i will need to find something that makes me feel me.
guess they are different things anyway.
haix. i have been rotting.
super irritating feeling that i had always have.
cant bring it off.
so sianx ahhx!
ever wonder why is life always like that?
will get sicked of it somehow and aometimes..
haix.. i still so so worried lo...
haix. dying soon. why will life become a complete what the hell for me?
haix. the feeling of damn shit never got stuck in me so discernible before.
haix. why is it always like that..
somehow i feel that i cant keep lamenting on what i dont like..
instead, i should do something to acheive something i desired..
talking is always simpler than acting.
everytime when i set my foot into something, i dont know why,
but will withdraw it sooner or later.
this is me. haix. cant ctand me for this part.
hmmx. i always wanted to live a life of my own.
my desired life! even wonders can be true here.
but first of all, i will need a little magic here and there to brighten up my dull life.
hope it works this way.
and there is a quote whereby i found it true..
Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end.
but at least it ended in a way i wanted it to.
and then. i will be looking forward to the next day.
and do my very best to let it has another perfect ending like the day before.
the ending will be perfect as long as the mood is perfect itself.
i wondered when was the last time i said it. but not now anymore...
you made my day.

`perfect day awaits_____

`entry 50 pissed

2009-05-11T20:05:00.001+08:00

11`o5`2oo9

haix. rotten feeling in me again.
feel kinda pissed off for whatever reasons.
i just feel that i am not getting what i wanted.
i am being blocked, obstructed. just cant get to the other side of the world i wanted..
so sicked of this feeling. things just dont get right!
then! haix. so dislike this kind of feeling...
do you ever get the feeling of getting the lousy feeling stuck in you for so damn long?
worried worried and worried!
when can i ever get all these out of my head.
it just dont feel great or even nice to have so many what the hell things stuck in me..
does the earth just rotates without me? does it just forsake me and leave me aside to fend for myself? i will die like that!
i cant fend for myself, i cant survive on my own.
this is how lousy i am, and i am really admitting it this time.
not deluding myself, not avoiding the facts.
i am facing it now. straight into my face. i know that i sucks.
i know how badly i stand. but does the world just really forget about my presence?
or does it simply dont care?
dont care if i am getting what i wanted.
dont care if i am blocking the way of anyone.
heck care if there is anyone mistreating me.
these are all craps! i cant stand it... somehow i feeling like shouting out to everyone out there.
to let them notice my presence! not to seek attention but just to let them know that i am here!
can someone just make sure that you know about my presence?
it's not a great feeling when you are neglected.
it just sucks to the core! i feel sad and miserable. dont like this kind of feeling.
haix. i dunno lahx! I DUNNO!!!
dont feel good.
can someone just lend me his/her listening ear!
i want to complain about all the shit i felt in me!
hope at least someone will be able to listen to my crap!
though it might be crap.

`just need someone to know that i am here_____

`entry 49 nothing

2009-05-04T14:20:00.003+08:00

o4`o5`2oo9

haiz. have been rotting days after days...
then... i still haven receive any notice yet.
worrying.. getting more and more worried after days and days..
like what yi shan said.. when i got nothing to do then i will start to worry about all these things..
gosh! what will come will come.
thinking in a positive way to lighten my worry burden..
haix. i went movie`ing..
think it's great to go into the cinema..
very relaxing. you pay for your tickets and perhaps your popcorns..
then you sit back and relax!
for the 100 plus minutes.. you are into another world.
you put yourself into the story..
it is really an amazing feeling whereby you think of nothing but focus on that movie.
it was cool.. however,
a movie is still a movie. the best part of it stays in the movie.
no matter how wonderful it is, how amazing the plotting was,
everything stays in the movie. that's why it is called a movie.
a movie can have a good plot, attractive leads and is actually not realistic.
maybe it is the reality that i hate in the real world today that i enjoyed myself so much in the movie.
qu zhong ren san.
people start leaving once they flash the credits.. the feeling of emptiness is so tangible.
i hate to get that kind of feelings.
so.. what was the best always stays in the movie.
life is not like a movie..
life is unfair and cant be controlled.

`looking forward to the next movie_____

`entry 48 17 again!

2009-04-20T21:54:00.007+08:00

2o`o4`2oo9

today is a day out with yi shan!!
we went movie`ing! cool man!
who says you're only young ONCE? zac efron 17 again!
woa. it is an interestin movie that is worth all your popcorns and nachos!
the appearance of zac efron itself is already worth all the trivial matters!
hahahas. this is the first time we went there so early..
cox i scared later get lousy tickets. hahas kiasu!
got no idea if the popcorn is influenced by the movie, but the popcorn today is really very sweet and cripsy!! that time we watched valkyrie de popcorn so lousy!
then i was so into the movie!! hahas. i kept commenting!
though some parts are expected cox i watched the trailer!! hahas
interesting still! he is so shuai!! woa.. every scene lehx.. hahas
especially that scene whereby he came out of his car!!
suave!!! hahas.
he looks cool in that suit! simply got attracted to him le.
he played his role so nicely that was out of expectation...
i thought he still carries the tron bolton image on him.. but i was a totally different feeling..
he is so.... fantastic!
this movie is highly recommendable.. hahas
have been wanting to watch this movie since dunno when! hahas
then... we went lunch!
went shopping.. just walking around lo.. bought a shirt..
hahas, i could fit into it ehx! hmmx.
there are still do many things i want to buy!
saving money.
walking is a bit tired... but it feels fun.. hmmx. even the simplest thing you do will be enjoyable once you set your mood right and found the perfect companion! hahas. cool horx?
hahas.

`sometimes the anticipation itself is worth more than the outcome you thought it could be___

`entry 47 thoughts

2009-04-18T11:29:00.003+08:00

18`o4`2oo9

hmmx. so sianx.
some how feel that this week isnt a very smooth sailing week.
dunno how come recently got this kinda feeling.
a lot of setbacks! haix.
sianx diao!
will people start to feel like me?!
hmmx. a question that i have been asking myself so often.
till i cant even get an answer out of it.
the answer is so simple.. but the more i am into this question.
the more i will start to feel that the answer is simply too simple to justify something like that!
have you ever wondered?!
if tomorrow is the last day of your life, then what will you do?!
hmmx. i thought of living life without regrets.
`to live everyday like there is no tomorrow___to live life without regrets.
how simple it sounds, but how hard it actually is!
to live with no regrets... sound easier than being done...
oh my god!!! i got so irritated to think of this.
do you know how hard is it if i am really going to live up to this..
i have been thinking.. most of my days were spent in regrets...
since young...
i remember that i am not that rich..
so i will enjoy rounds and rounds of consideration before i set my mind in getting something i wanted dearly... i will always go to the shop, just to take a glance at the thing i wanted. then i will leave happily, foolishly thinking that the thing is still there!
i will try to save a lot of money... three to four times of the price of the thing i wanted, before i could set my mind into buying that thing...
then.. when i decided to buy.. the things are often sold out...
i dislike myself for being like that...
so i tried to get the easier way out... i tried! tired of trying...
i tried to act on impulse. to act on impulse!!
i will buy that thing instanly given that i got money with me..
then... when i got home.. i analyse that product damn thorougly!
damn thoroughly because i thought that i might have like the product so dearly that i bought it off the rack upon seeing it!
then i will start to see that the product isnt something that i should have bought it!
so silly right!! then i start to regret! oh my god!
i just cant decide! cant never weigh the decisions properly.
i will tend to feel sorry for the alternative that is being forgone... then will mumble and nag myself again.. how can i be like that..
to live without regrets is definitely a challenge for me!
oh my god! to live without regrets___
but to do so.. i will have to do things like confessing. hahas. lol
but the outcome of living without regrets might be another blow to me.
how can i ever survive from it.
just confessions for example... then!
i would not rather do it. i fear! i fear everything..
the fear of being reject!! oh my god! isnt it scary?! think i might as well be an ostrich.
i dare not face the outcomes!
If you're an ostrich about your debts, you're only going to make matters worse: it would be much better to take your head out of the sand and face facts, however unpleasant.

`to live without regrets___

`entry 46 back

2009-04-13T16:01:00.014+08:00

13`o4`2oo9

woa. it has been so long since i blogged.

i went away mahx. was at thailand. hahas

went for a trip there. it was really interesting...

hahas. we checked in early in the morning..

6 plus. then all luggage was send in via the conveyor belt..

then had a small breakfast before leaving for bangkok..

quite nervous lehx. hahas. i dont like the pressure in the ear while flying.

the pressure was alright though..

then when we reach, i go for the wrong bag. it was the correct belt but i cant recognise my bag..

i took the wrong bag and start to ask why is it so heavy.. hahas.

then i realised!

somemore there like ren sheng di bu shu like that then saw those people fetching tourist de taking tourist de name like fans like that. super funny lo..

we didnt manage to have one of the big taxis. got book in advance but they just never send people here or wat. super irritating!

when i stepped out of the airport. then i know that what the captain said was true.

super hot! the temperature was 38! woa!! siaox. like in oven like that.

and jet lag of one hour.

in the taxi, i was like a typical singaporean who started to nag about howlousy and dirty the enviroment is. hahas. kinda cant stand it. the streets were like quite run down like that.

hahas. we reach the hotel then straightaway headed out for sightseeing..

supposed to go to grand palace of thailand! but shorts and singlets are prohibited!

sehx!! where got like that de. some more the entrance fees was like 350 baht. close to 15 sgd!so ex! then we decided to give it a miss lo..

we took a turn and went for shopping instead.

got shopping mall lehx!! interesting! thought ot will be lousy de area! hahas.

to my surprise, there were shopping centres there lehx! i was like a typically singaporean who would only shop in shopping centre.

hahahas. super tiring.. very tired after shopping. but the time barely passed. lol

went to the roadside to eat dinner! woa! like super dirty lo. i was like eer here and there.

`day 2___

wake up early in the morning.. then we went sightseeing since the first attempt wasnt successful.

went to wat arun! hmmx. it was very nice ehx. all the sculptures! all very detailed.

the stairs was like super steep lo!!

but i went up lehx! hahas. can imagine??

was proud of myself for it..

`wat arun

then the next place we went was wat pho..

hahas. there was a lot of ang moh there! hahas. some ver shuai..

especially one that accidentally knocked into me. hahas. super shuai!

since then i addicted to ang moh le. hahas! super funny!

`wat pho

then the buddha there was like so majestic lehx!

alot of people went there just to take a glimpse of it.

it was really nice! worth the trip there!

`buddha

then this was the place where i accidentally knocked into people.

it was too crowed! notice the pots in the pictures?!

hahas. it was for the monks i think.. hmmx. i exchanged a bowl of coins for 20 baht..

then when we put the coins into the pots got 'ding ding ding' de sound! cool lo.

`pots

then we went back.. by the taxi..

kinda book the driver for a day.

we were supposed to go to the shopping malls near our hotel!

but Road closed! woa. i so shocked.. the hotel de receptionist ask the drive to drive us back..

not to go shopping for that day. road close due to red shirt protestors occupying the road for protest! woa! i saw it myself lehx! all of them were wearing a red shirt as in i think they will bring the shirt along with them where ever they go!

they were singing and aome inviting people to join them..

we then heard from the driver that there were some other groups represented by different colours like blue, white and yellow.

hmmx. we headed back to hotel.. then wewaited for the news..
but also no use lahx.. all the channels there in thailand speak thai de lahx.

i also dont understand lo. but pictures could speak a thousand words.. hahas.

for that day we were stuck in the hotel..

`day 3___

another shopping day.. but i tried something interesting!

i took a ride on tuk tuk!! it was thailand's famous transport.
cool! they can be seen all over the streets! super interesting..

because they are smaller in size compared to other transport, they were able to overtake other vehicles swiftly!

it was so fascinating! hahas. i got amused easily!

`tuk tuk in thailand

i really got amused easily.. hahas. thailand is also famous because of its flawless transexual..

woa! i cant really recognised them lo. but some of them were really very beautiful..

i really take my hat off them! a lot of courage must be needed to make that option bah!

hmmx. then the girls there were powerful too..

who says that men are stronger!! i see how females worked as construction workers there!

it was really impressive! building this and that, most of the efforts were contributed by our girls!! it is really impressive! they were really strong and can br compared to any male construction workers! they dont slack because they are female, they have got the same work load as any make there. there werent any special privileges.. they had got equal treatments, no double standards!

seriously i think everything was very interesting! an eye-opener for me!

cool lo! then they seriously need to brush up on their english. if not very hard to communicated with them! hahas. but it was fun listening to their accents! so cute!

i learnt a lot.

`experience___

all pictures credits go to yahoo images..

p.s. i left my camera with my cousin

`entry 45 waking up

2009-04-01T14:28:00.002+08:00

o1`o4`2oo9

yo! it's april fools' day!
oh my god!! today is the most pathetic day i had..
waking up i saw messages from zoey and moo...
then all thanks to zoey, i realised that today is april fools' day.
decided not to get tricked for today...
then my student messaged me saying that she dunno if she can make it for tuition today..
i start to wonder if it is a joke. haix.
then i on my com and went online...
saw people de facebook personal messages saying that they got a place in uni le.
so fast.. the moment whereby i woke up instantly ehx.
i thought it will be around end of may though.
so scary.. the moment of realising is always scary!!
far from what i have expected..
is like everyone is getting a candy on the children day and i am not getting mine!
then bloodily i am still going around asking if they get their candy.
i am left behind lehx! LEFT BEHIND!!
oh my god.. this feeling is totally lousy..
hate it! hate it so much. got no mood now..
shit!!!
the sun shinning outside is like super proud then laughing at me like that.
even with such a warm weather, the fan refused to face me in a proper direction makes me think that even the fan belittle me!
arghh!
pathetic! feel like shouting out loud!
i then realised that when something gets into your way, you dont get what you wanted, you dont get what you desired.. everything just dont go nicely into your eyes..
even the slightest thing like a typo that keep happening just makes you think that what a lousy finger i had... or the stupid keyboard is at fault...
arghh!! what the hell has become of me?!
got super sensitive, super irritated and easily pissed off!
am i really as pathetic and as lousy as i think? my mind just cant function properly now! there maybe a short circuit somewhere yet i didnt realised it. didnt care about it. simply cant get bothered about it.
but now.. this short circuit that i have is bothering too much..
i cant afford to have all the irritating feelings and lousy feelings in me all day long.
it feels kinda shit! kinda lousy.. it is like you having a reminder programmed in you which is to remind you how lousy you are everyday...
i wont be able to run from this until someone pull me out..
i wont be able to be free until someone drag me out.
only the one who bloodily scold me and wake me up will rescue me from this..
but all this feeling came from somewhere, a place called the heart whereby it controls your feelings. all this happen because of fear! because i am afraid!! because i have got no faith in myself!!!

`because my loss in confidence bleed me dry___

`entry 44 perfect 29

2009-03-30T13:01:00.002+08:00

3o`o3`2oo9

woa. it has been so long since i mentioned perfect 29...
hahas. yeah!! yesterday was 29..
went to fei lun hai qian chang hui with yi shan.
woa.. we reach around 12 plus.. so sianx lo...
like a bit deja vu!! when we reach there.. oh my god.
gotta go to the fourth level and queue..
then got so many zhuan jiao!
thought of giving up initially.. but yi shan say must try.
maybe can.... hahas. got plan de!
hahas. then we queue there so long..
play hangman. okay la. the time there quite easy to pass.
got too many things to crap together. hahas.
then finally the queue start to move..
got one part whereby need to go down escalator de.. so malu lo.
finallyreach garden plaza then! woa. tt side damn squeezy...
then we walk very fast..some more raining...
then jiahui [host] say. 我相信外头的雨是不会熄灭大家对飞轮海的热情的!!
true true!
we start to feel the need to cut queue.
squeeze here and there then cut here and there.
if not wont get the handshake and autograph le..
the most important part is cut ppl lo.. ppl busy taking photo then slow down everything...
then gotta make sure that we get the autograph. we have to do it..
nobdy will shou gui ju at that situation lo..
who will quee properly??
hahas. was worrying throughout untill we get to the front and got the sticker in..
cox the first time we very in front le also never get our album signed.
lol! woa! all of them very good lehx..
calvin_xie xie ni zhi chi wo men.
ya lun_you mei you lin dao yu.
jiro_yao jia you orhx.
wu zun_hen xin ku bahx, xin ku ni le.
woa.. everyone of them was like super sweet..
then just realised that ya lun wasnt feeling well yesterday!
hmmx.but he also signed quite alot!
RESPECT ahhx!! hahas
then yesterday got some auntie fans.. then some accompany their daughter..
those accompany daughter de a bit off lehx.. you sholud be asking them to stay at home and study at this kind of sec1 sec2 or pri5 pri6 age bahx. totally off lo!!
my mum already say i siao when i say i going for autograph session lehx. hahas.
then for those auntie fans.. i really take my hat off them...
is it was me.. i dont think i have the courage to go for autograph session le bahx.
as in the stamina also dont have le. hahas
really admire the courage they have.
agree?

`人因梦想而伟大,要勇敢地追求自己的梦想___

`entry 43 soothing

2009-03-23T13:31:00.002+08:00

23`o3`2oo9

it feels nice when the music is played with the blog!

`bella's lullaby___

`entry 42 stagnant

2009-03-23T12:06:00.002+08:00

23`o3`2oo9

so many days le. i still cant make up my mind.
kinda disappointed in myself.
why am i becoming like that?! i am always indecisive. even in crucial times.
i just cant stand myself being like that.
how come like that. going mad soon.
now i realised that my mood will be extremely lousy whenever i blog.
pathetic. but blogging is like a time for me to reflect myself.
then the more i reflect, the more lousy i felt.
i decided. to reflect and to ask myself these questions then everything will end here.
shall not let this bother my mind too much.
if not it will burst.
haix. i am now in the middle of nowhere. life is not like the past anymore.
things are getting complicated.
you get to experience different things when you grow, you interact with the surroundings and learn things bits by bits or part by part.
you start to see things from a different angle, you start to have your own perspective
then you start to question.
things are no longer the same. i remember when i was young. how i wished i can be a teacher, a police, a lawyer, a doctor. but those were just simple thinking.
the more you know, the more you realised how unrealistic those thoughts were.
but i believed everyone grew up with the same ambitions.
but now, things were different. not as simple as i thought it is..
i am stuck here. not moving anywhere. not retracting but not even moving in front.
stuck!!!
simply stuck!
can someone just pull me out of here?
i dont want to be such a situation any longer, but i just cant find my way out.
i see the path in front. everything unclear. everything blurr!
i do not want to be trapped in this alone. i will die here!
haix. how can i find a easy way out?! i am not capable of bottling all these things up...
and.. that time.. when i thought things were improving. not really improving but at least glad that there is such a thing happening. but after that. gosh!
is like the moment you wake up from a very beautiful dream!
everything came crushing and trampling down on me. the impact is so large, i just cant take it.
but i had to pretend that nothing really happened. everything was part and parcel of life.
just like how a big bomb destroyed a once vibrant city.
i am left with the debris.. fragments of me left there. fragments.

`am i lost when i know that i was in the midst of somewhere___

`entry 41 different

2009-03-21T16:10:00.002+08:00

21`o3`2oo9

it has been so long since i last blogged.
10 days. woa. not very long but feels like it has been very long.
10 days can be considered quite long for many things to happened.
in fact.. things happen. yup.
but now. i dont even know how to put it.
things changed. and is actually different from what i perceived it to be.
learning to adapt to those changes is actually another way to survive it.
but not all changes are adaptable.. furthermore. i need time to adapt it.
not as and when i want.
time is a thing that heal all wounds.
this is fake! time is a factor that makes you forget everything...
eventually when you forget, you forgive...
but this is wrong!!! the sequence is just not right!!!
you should forgive then you forget!
see the difference? haix. it is just like that..
this is life.
life always give you different choices and ask you to choose the best out of it...
i dont like to face so many choices...
i dunno how to make the choices, every decision you make incur an opportunity cost..
the cost of next best alternative forgone..
i used to care too much about things i am losing rather than benefits i will be getting when making a choice.
i just cant make up my mind. i feel that every alternative forgone is a waste!
the things that i will be giving up just bother me so much...
i am going to die from everything i am bottling up now.
where can i find one to share all my troubles with..
somehow feel that not all friends are reliable.
as in i am not saying that i dont have reliable friends.. but!
haix. i dunno. cant find the best way to express myself recently.
everything that i tried to explained just get chocked up in my throat and people dont know what i am talking about. i start to yu wu lun ci.
after years of education, i still cant express myself. failure!
then there are things that i found it hard to express.
like gratitude! a simple thank you does not reach that far.
you cant even sense the sincerity. haix. am i picking too much on details?!
but certainly it is nice to know how much people care for you.
just a simple call makes a difference from one who doesnt care a hoot about you.
my buddy de mama called me to ask about my current situation.
it was really nice of her to call only yesterday since she felt the need for me to calm down.
it is so heart warming to know that someone is actually concered about your being.
i doubt there will be others to have a wonderful buddy mama like me.
it is really so fortunate of me.
though my thank you doesnt travel far, as long as the moment is true, i believe that she will sense it.
then. i just feel that things keep getting into my way.
a phone whereby you cant message properly, cant call.
what the hell is it??! haix. i feel like i am carrying a pager instead.
shit phone. have been niam`ing my phone for so damn long but it still haven recover!
then. i heard something that makes me felt sad.
i dont really know why i felt that way..
but that feeling just came gushing into my heart and lingering still in my mind.
how i wished things will be different.

`how i wished___

`entry 4o just another day

2009-03-11T12:28:00.003+08:00

11`o3`2oo9

woa. super sianx. just another day.
sometimes, i really wonder why are we on earth.
and what are we going to do here.
what is the purpose of living on earth.
the major questions that we should be asking ourselves.
guess there wont be much difference with or without me..
i bet it is the same. the whole damn same!
each day after another.. days are almost the same ehx.
no longer feel the drive in me. sianx diao!
everyday is like that! running bonkers soon!
very soon! like yesterday... damn shit..
i really got pissed off while tuitioning chinese!!
lol! what the hell!
haix. then now. super boring! had been having the same routine of life everyday.
gosh! since dunno when. then found new hobby of crystal`ing...
crystal`ing is the only thing that i found the true joy in.
accompanied by levels of satisfaction.
hmmx. maybe opening blog shop.. hahas.
must see what my business partner`s say first.. lol
as i was saying.. there wont be much difference with or without me..
hmmx. think this is very true.
the earth will continue to revolve around the sun.
the sun will continue to rise and set.
the low tides and high tides will still happen during the estimated time.
time continues and life goes on...
neither did i play a significant role is somebody's life [except for my family]
nor make any significant contribution to the earth that makes me great.
sooner or later, you will realise that you finally reach the last page of your own book.
this is the true moment you wake up from everything.
life in the past will just become memories or worse still, illusion.
life is always like that. furthermore, since it is a book, the author had already planned and designed everything bahx. predestined.
something that i believed in.
then you are just playing a tiny weeny role in the book.
for me, i am sure that i am not the main lead. always
i do not have what it takes to be the main lead!
no flies or butterflies circling me..
instead, i am the flies or butterflies surrounding others.
maybe the butterflies surrounding the sunflower. whereby the sunflower is reaching for the sun.
so the sun will be the main main lead!
i dreamt to be the sun. but it is just a dream.
dream wont come true like how wishes dont get fulfiled.
there will be miracles when you believe
i once believed that miracles will happen only when you believed. but i had been believing for so damn long that nothing miraculous really happen.
should i continue my wishful thinking?
doubt there will be anyone who choose to believe this.
since i had got nothing to lose while believing then i might as well continue my wishful thinking..
is it just wishful thinking? or am i naive? or rather going back to my delusions again?
haix.. in actual fact this is just avoiding. always true...
ever wondered how life will be without me? or without knowing me?
guess life just goes on...

`life is like that___

`entry 39 day of results release

2009-03-06T22:32:00.001+08:00

`o6`o3`2oo9

at least i know i tried.

`dead___

`entry 38 wavering

2009-03-05T11:18:00.002+08:00

o5`o3`2oo9

wondering how others feel right now..
think the anxiety and the uncertainty is there in everyone.
gosh! but i just feel that i am having so so so much more than others!
hmmx. i am on tenterhooks since the day i know the day for results release.
seriously, i wonder if others feel the same as me.
initially was like guessing when is the day to release results..
how i wished it is earlier... but now. how i hoped it will come later.
just later... but not now. even one week later?
but... everything is happening on tomorrow.
everything just happen in a blink of the eye
this shows how indecisive i am. and i admit, i am always indecisive.
true. always indecisive
but how can this ever be true.. hmmx. i am shell shocked when i went to the moe website to see for my eyes! the press release mention that results will be release on friday!
lol!! suddenly.. i wish i can stop the time so as to for friday not to reach so soon!
haix! that was just a wish anyway.. people who had the same wish didnt get their wish fulfilled too! hmmx. being optimistic.
hope for the best now..
i got a very serious problem in me..
when i decide to get myself out of the worry.. confirm!
confirm got people wil remind me of it de.
i already tried to believe in myself.. to put my confidence in place...
but things start to happen and waver my confidence. make me start to ponder all about it.
am i doing the right thing?! i dont want to have anything to doubt the confidence in me.
i do not want anything that makes me question myself whether i did the right thing or not..
the more i tried to convince myself.. the more my confidence starts to waver.
the more i question myself... then i start to feel that it isnt really similar to the case i thought about. even before i accede the feeling, all the confidence within me start to vanish.. instantly.
every bit of my confidence just start to drip out of me.. bit by bit.
my confidence bleed dry.
do you know how hard it is for me to realise the intangible and the minute confidence that i grasped just evaporate suddenly.
suddenly everything that hold me together is gone.
i am left like that, destructed
fatalistic people will not really be affected by this bahx?
but how can one easily succumb to fate? is this the very attitude we should have?
i am hollow within me, dried of my confidence, not sure how am i going to move the next step.
will going back to my delusions be better?
the place where i tried to bury myself in.
the place where i tried to avoid everything but to no avail.
that kind of empty just engulfed me.
simple answers. simple answers to simple desires.
i just cant get those answers into me again. there arent even simple answers to my simple desires. the silence and empty inside is so damn loud.
i am left alone inside. cant even reach somewhere near me.
drowning? surviving?
they are both seconds apart. but they meant totally different thing.
only a decision that you make, separates one from another.
but whenever i tried to make one decision, my confidence wavers.
having decisions somewhere here or there is better than having one neither here nor there..

`decided not to let anything waver the confidence in me, hard though___

`entry 37 nites~

2009-02-23T22:22:00.002+08:00

23`o2`2oo9

sleepless nights

`the happy ones___

`entry 36 my day

2009-02-23T22:12:00.003+08:00

23`o2`2oo9

hmmx. my cam spoiled again! dunno why lox.
haix. today sort of got a bad feeling..
suddenly lost contact with ___ ..
dont really know wht happened.. still messaging yesterday ehx.
then sort of have things to be busy with. so had to stop replying..
___ said i will be given a call later at night... but dunno how com like that..
didnt get the replies i ought to get. then message not delivered.
lol! not worried. as in not not worried.. like... hmmx. i also dunno what to say.
is like suddenly you dont know what happened lo!
i got a feeling that ___ lost 's phone! hmmx. dont know.. but feeling.

`that kind of worry is beyond explanation___

`entry 35 perfect cut

2009-02-21T15:29:00.003+08:00

没信心的 number one 终究是 number one!

~Alex tan

`entry 34 belief

2009-02-21T14:29:00.002+08:00

21`o2`2oo9

times had changed.
where is the trust and belief that one can earn easily?
why is it so?
what caused it to become like that?
when was the last time you believed someone?
which part of it sounded so convincing untill you believe it?
who was it you believed?
how you believe him?
haix.. suddenly started to ponder on all these things.
there are news talking about those people who pretend to be from blah-blah-blah company.
they start to engage in a conversation with you and then ask for a lot of things.
ask for some personal information and then make you sign certain documents..
then even before you noticed, you were duped!
it is not like i dont believe such people anymore. but i will start to think..
start to think if they were real! start to think if what will happen if they were just fake-os..
then again! what will happen when i realised that i was scammed!
there are too many cases of swindling and scams going on.
i was just being cautious! better be safe than sorry!
i didnt mean to judge one's character like that! i know that how bad he/she may be feeling..
but i am playing it cool~ i didnt mean to hurt one's feeling by getting supicious over what he/she is promoting.. i know you might think what i have with me that make you want to deceive me..
i am also wondering about that.. i cant possibly be victimized for no reason other than being suay.. i felt bad about being dubious over you too!
furthermore, just by a small conversation, i cant know you fully!! it is like that!
i know how pissed off one will get!! but isnt life just like that?
life is.. you are okay, sad, enjoying, happy, angry, confusing, irritated, disgusted, neither here nor there, no idea what to do... in the end. you get pissed off!!
this is how interesting life can be!
it is like that! so perhaps. i didnt really need to feel that bad.
furthermore, you mentioned that i will regret it, someday! i know...
i will be regretting when i feel that you were real!
afterall, things just get back the same position as they were. i am not clinging onto anything!
just letting it go like that, may have regrets though...
but perhaps wat happened yesterday might be the best solution to avert a disater into regrets!
hope so~

`thing that were done can never be undone___

`entry 33 sandy day

2009-02-21T14:09:00.004+08:00

21`o2`2oo9

hmmx. blogging about yesterday!

it was a sandy day spent with yi shan at the beach.

hahas. we went tanning at sentosa!

the sun ws scorching hot ehx. but luckily some part got wind lahx.

hahas. so cool

picture we took by the beach___

haix.. then i got sun burnt instead of sun tanned!! hahas.

super funny. even now still so pain!

pathetic! but i am so happy with the shape i tanned on my feet.

super duper cool!! hahas

then i met my clique for dinner!

mei qi, zoey and xinni.. was late i think..

we had fish n co! hahas. very nice.

but i still so worried for the internet thingy...

haix~

`everything turn sandy upon bringing to beach___

`entry 32 expectation

2009-02-19T16:22:00.002+08:00

19`o2`2oo9

hmmx. later will be going for a tuition trial.
teaching sec 2 maths and sci.
dunno will get it or not.. dont dare to expect too much le..
the higher i expect, the higher i will fall from.. hmmx.
just take things in stride le lo.
now the main prob is... the in du ren de house got dog..
more worried about the job than i get my job or not.
hahas. just have to believe the luck is with me..
yi ci de shi bai, bing bu deng yu yong yuan de shi bai.
learning by heart how to deal with more deadly blows...

`too disappointed to disappointed___

`entry 31 shield

2009-02-19T14:26:00.003+08:00

19`o2`2oo9

hmmx. this is the post entry i promised you when i am feeling better.
yup. thanks for waking me up from my delusions.
obviously i know my delusions arent nicely in place.
if it is so.. i would not be so affected by anything..
i would also not be affected by your sudden comment on my change in status!
and stared to tell you everything and chatted with you till i cried.
i know that i have been bottling up everything myself, putting on a brave front.
perhaps, others just cant see through. or, maybe they saw through it and cant bear to see me suffer when they took away it.
i know what is going on. and i just keep escaping from it. i understand that it was just an useless shield of mine. no point of deceiving myself how strong and bullet proof the shield was when it actually exposed me to more dangers behind.
this is a point i am aware of even without you telling me.
no one dared to tear through my delusions and tell me that i was dreaming, avoiding.
it felt better, true. but the moment of waking up was terrible.
i dare not face the facts. so i often thought of living in my own world of delusions where i felt the powers so tangible in my hands.
this is how lousy i am. really. i felt better after that. thanks for telling me and consoling me! =)
you were great... hahas.

`you taught me how to be braver___

went through 3 different things today!
hmmx. for those who consoled me via sms..
hmmx. just now just kinda no mood to reply.
not to make you all worry la. thanks for showing me how important i am to you all!
you were willing to take time off to send me a message yet i didnt reply! sorry!
i am okay le lahx! my friend just bloodily pull me out from all sorts of delusions i had! =)

`you should know who you are___

`entry 3o moving on~

2009-02-19T12:26:00.002+08:00

19`o2`2oo9

hmmx. just received call that i wont be going back for tuition le..
haix! pathetic! disappointed. what the ****
i flunk that trial! but i did nth lehx! sianx diao!
feel like crying out loud!
it's like you were in a very wonderful surrounding. all so placid, serene and beautiful,
but something just crashed down from above and announce to you that you are dreaming.
it left a silent shout in me!
dont even know what happen lo! haix.
it is now time to shou shi xin qing and move on!
the more you expect, the more deadly the blow will be.
haix. sometimes life is like that! what can i say?? haix
there will be more chances coming along any way!

`looking forward___

`entry 29 character or tenacious?

2009-02-19T10:26:00.005+08:00

19`o2`2oo9

is it character or just being tenacious?
i pick things up easily but not put them back to their original position back as easy as before.
na de qi, fang de xia!
practically i just fang bu xia!
what has become of me?? i really cant understand what the hell is going on with me...
i still very bothered by whether the parent will contact me or not!
i clearly know that this isnt about the fees i am going to earn le..
i just like that student so much ehx. i just cant get it out of my mind.
is this being stubborn?? clinging on things that dont belong to me??
well!!! at least it once belonged to me, and i hope that it will continue to belong to me.
why i just cant stop these things from bothering me?? furthermore, it's just one lesson..
if these trivial things can have so huge an impact on me..
then how am i going to suffer other more deadly blows?
lethal blows will only mean a catastrophe for me. i believe that i die easily after seeing how unprotected i actually am.
is this determination or just being irresolute?
am i really so into the idea of having that tuition. or just cant decide for myself.
i am always emotional more than being rational. feelings just overtake the position of reasonings in me. just one lesson yet i get this kinda feeling.. oh my god..
sudden to think of it, how useless have i been all these years..
these few days got no mood lo. sort of feeling empty..
that irritating feeling i used to describe. gosh!! i am going bonkers!
simple answers. simple answers to simple desires.
but now i cant even find answers to my desires.
just to get entertainment and enjoyment from whatever things i am doing, but those feelings i yearned for just failed to come back to me..
my original spirits all ruined!! haix. where was the monday me? the tuesday me when i was alright? i just get pissed off by everything that gets in my way.
i suddenly realised how the ability of controlling something so unsubstantial.
so it is still better when we live in delusion and deceive ourselves.
i am in no position to control anything since everything is fated. this is going to be such a fatalistic view.. but what more can i say when i am in no position to control and decide things for myself? how come there are always saying that goes like that~
to fight for the things that you wanted.
you have to fight for it to achieve it.
you have to fight for your own happiness.
when all my weapons are all destroyed in the battle i fight earlier in pursue of something-whereby i got nothing in return-how am i going to fight this time?
to fight with my bare hands is nothing better than giving up straight away.
if you know that you are going to lose the fight, then what for you start it?
other than losing the fight, you will not stand o gain anything except for the injuries and the bruises you win from the fight.
to be optimistic... you never fight, you never know who will win.
but again.. you will never know who the winner is, and this also means that you are not a loser.
so___

`giving up in a fight is also another way of winning___
deceiving, escaping, fleeting

`entry 28 yesterday~

2009-02-18T10:10:00.006+08:00

18`o2`2oo9

hmmx. it is a nice way to have a morning to start like that!
wonderful messages~ not rushing~ hmmx.
suddenly feel so relax.. hahas
yup~ decided to blog about yesterday!
yesterday
went for movie with yi shan! to complete another activity.
hmmx. we watched valkyrie.
quite nice lahx. as history students, we thought it was really interesting.
hahas. i had to leave early cox i am going for a tuition later!
gosh! when i call the parent, then i know the first lesson is trial.
a bit afraid! i really wanted it ehx! never before i felt it so discernible
hmmx. i took bus there. went out super early just in case i late.
i got lost, cant find the place. super funny.
i reached the void deck around 7.o9.. lesson 7.30 then start lo!
haix. started to get the jitters. ahhx! so scary lo! i decided to call ni.
she can feel my nervousness, then after all craps, i headed for the lift and went upstairs.
i told her i will reach around 7.25-7.3o...
hmmx. but have to be early than punctual de mahx.
the parent was okay, she answered my door.
i was told to teach her kid maths and chinese. his name was andreusz. didnt really know how to spell. hahas. she told me that he was hyper-active, cant sit still de.
hmmx. this is what i get to see for myself after she left the room!
but he was quite cute ehx!! he started talking about himself. introduction!! but i told him that i got no time to waste, so have to complete the lesson first before he can do his intro.
hahas. because of that intro he was dying to give, he was quite co-operative. hahas
then he went out to intro me his friend in the middle of the lesson.
his frog! ponds! so cute when he play with his ponds. he could actually do his multiplication with his ponds with him. whereby his multiplication is supposedly to be weak.
hahas. so cute right! then i could not leave on time cox he wanted to show me his collection.
he like Ben 10 alot! hahas. so funny lorx! took out all his collection and intro to me one by one.
his mother asked me to sneak away but he shouted NO from his room then i had to stay a while more! so cute lo! hahas. then he started to intro me his brother lukcasz, who also started to bring out all his collection for me to see.
oh ya~ we got common interest ehx! he was from concert band, playing cornet. hahas.
i really like teaching him!! hmmx. i promised that i will bring sweets for him if there are more lessons!

`i want to pass the trial and teach him!! Parent contact me kkx!!!

`entry 27 fun day!

2009-02-16T19:16:00.004+08:00

16`o2`2oo9

meeting yi shan for her first activity!
swimming~
hahas. first time swimming with my friend.
nv before ehx. hahas
she woke me up, then today de haze super strong!!
irritate my eyes!
hahas. we met on bus!
walked the super long route! then we swimmed here and there! to avoid shou ren we went so early! super pai sei if ppl were to see me in that swimming suit bahx!
ooox. the pool almost belonged to the two of us at a instant! cool!
i started talking in the water! i taught her how too! super funny lo!
swimmed for so long ehx! had the slide too! impressive
super hungrily, we left the complex.. heading to jp!
we had pizza lunch there! super full.
then shopping arpun!! maybe will be tanning at sentosa bahx..
tentatively!! hahas since when i got healthy life style de orhx!
proud of it! hahas
then!!! the best shit of the day!!
my phone de camera spoil again lehx! so sad!
then i missed a call from dunno where, tuition assignment gone!
hais~ what happens happen!
take it optimistically lorx!! jia you!

`what happens happen___

`entry 26 Delusion

2009-02-13T15:49:00.009+08:00

13`o2`2oo9

super boring day!
i finished the book 3 of twilight series...
just finished eclipse.. now going to breaking dawn.
hope there is a perfect ending for everything..
an ending that i hoped and wished for. as if it was for myself
people will often go to any length to delude themseves, they will pay any price for it.
read it some where in the book.
i believed that! start to think if i am one of them.
or i am already always doing that sub-conciously?
hmmx. things changed. but sometimes, i just refused to see the change.
refused to ancknowledge that change.
deluding, decieving or avoiding?
bet it is the same anyway.
only that delusion sounds so much nicer..
haix. i am also not very sure! but sometimes.. life is like that.
not everything can be the way we want it to be.
things that happen happens.. but when you really do not want things to proceed in a way that they already proceeded, you decieve yourself, start to bury yourself in your own world.
you live in delusion before you knew anything!
living in delusion is always better. you lived in your own world.
you had the whole sky to admire. you had all the air belonging to you!
freedom! free of trouble, free from sadness.
things are always predictable, expected.
isnt this the best feeling that one can get? the feeling that you grasped in your hand.
there isnt any uncertainties. you rule your world. you will know how bad the thing can be, everything is within your control. i felt the power in me!
suddenly so tangible. i really meant it.
under some circumstances. delusion is the best solution for everything.
it will be hard for one to heal, for one to recover after they'd found out that what they hold on to was just delusions. but at least, you were once happy living in that delusion!
you found your power in the delusion!
control to everything had never been so tangible in your hand.
this all could hardly be described in words.

`living in delusion___

`entry 25 puzzled?!

2009-02-11T18:09:00.004+08:00

11`o2`2oo9

has been a few days since i last came here.
hahas, was addicted to the book! got edward mahx!
woa! speaking of it, i am so into the story le!! this is the fastest speed i ever read!
he is incredibly perfect as described in the book. this leads me to into wonders.
i wondered if vampires and werewolves really do exist in the world.
i wondered if vampires really have such a flawless features and charismatic character if they really existed.
and eventually i think i might fall for one if it really existed...
all my craps. hahas, this had to prove how deeply i am obsessed in the book!

had a wonderful time yesterday with my clique! clique consisting of xinni, mei qi and zoey!
it has been so long since i last went out with them.. hahas.
we watched underworld: the rise of the lycans.
it was my first M18 show. violence, i think it was bloody and gruesome more than violence.
woa! i was disgusted by almost every bloody scenes..
super funny lo.
ni was sitting beside me, her eyes stared at the screen like nth scary was on it! then i kept having paises for the female lead. supposedly.
i think tt she look gorgeous! she was a vampire!
then the 3 of us were still discussing abput it on our way back.

then today!! i rejected a job offer. i sent in my resume ytd and got a reply from the education centre. i dunno if i am dumb or silly.
but just couldnt find the correct word to describe me.
actually i am okay with the job, at least it is something i want.. something that i longed for.
but... things just arent as perfect as i want them to!
they offered me 6 per hour, it was an admin job!! i wanted it!
but~ the working hour were o93o to 133o. 4 hrs. i am ok!
but at dhoby guat ehx! i have to spend around $6 for a two way trip..
i dont think it is worth it, i told her tt it is quite far and kinda say i dont think i will be gg.
she was nice, she said that she understand it and thanked me for sending my resume.
did i did the right thing?? i am still pondering over it. i told zo jus nw. she dont think it was worthed it too, she encoraged me to look for other better job!
"aiyah, sure can find de lah!" this was wat zo said!

then, i didnt know wat happened to dilys de tagboard...
the unknown ppl there mentioned how ****ed he/she felt there, yet, he/she failed to realised how impolite it is to do smth like this at ppl's blog. he msg he/she posted can also hurt others' feelings.

`looking for job, still___

`entry 24 added!

2009-02-09T15:25:00.002+08:00

o9`o2`2oo9

oh ya!! suddenly realised, cox the DJ was saying..
today is yuan xiao jie! the last day of the chinese new year!
woa! this year the new year really dont have any spirits..
like so sianx, then same as normal days.. hahas

元宵节快乐!

today de moon is the roundest de!!
the roundest in 52 years!! should be awesome!! hahas

`yuan xiao jie___

`entry 23 resumes

2009-02-09T15:21:00.002+08:00

o9`o2`2oo9

have been sending resumes everywhere!
woa! super pathetic lo!! i send around 6 today!
then have to edit the resumes here and there to make it ok to apply for that job!
i checked the sent items and found that i send the mail w/o attaching resume!
super funny. hmmx, i am always so blurr ehx!
hope i will get some replies soon!
jia you!! i will do it!

`getting my job replies soon___

`entry 22 nites~

2009-02-08T23:37:00.001+08:00

o8`o2`2oo9

sleepless nights

`the happy ones___

`entry 21 delighted!

2009-02-08T22:01:00.006+08:00

o8`o2`2oo9

thanks for the concerns that eveyone gave to me when i posted such a dejected post!

but tt day de xin qing really damn lousy!

at least i know that you all actually cared for me! hmmx.

do you know?

when you are flying and soaring towards your goal,

most ppl will look for the distance you travelled, only true friends will concern about you.

they will be the one who will care for you and ask you how tired you are after a flight.

so glad that i have got friends like the all of you.

it's really wonderful.

neighbour came to my house this morning..

hahas. with her daughter, sec 2 de.

i quite shocked when she approached me.

hahas, she wanted me to teach her maths! woa! super challenging!

suddenly thought of mr wong.

how he taught 1/3 and 2/3. hahas. chai ling was not in the picture of teaching me maths yet.

hahas. but ah pong and leen was there ehx. hahas

i'll see how before i reply her, cox i no job also mahx

today is my brother de birthday!!!

hahas. happy birthday to him!

think i also kana the birthday mood, super happy too...

or it has got nth to do with the birthday mood??

decided to go jp to buy a cake back for him. i went with my cousin. hahas. super funny. we sneak out of my house. crapping stupid reasons so as to persuade my bro to stay at home.

went around to look for a cake.

settled one at prima deli. then went home straight away!

woa! then i saw ys. hahas. super stunning. so long nv see him le. so shocked! could hardly recognise him cox i last saw him was prom. hahas.

cool ehx~

then celebrate

`wishing together___

hmmx. at least today i am happy de!

thanks

`a friend in need is a friend indeed___

`entry 2o GOSH!

2009-02-06T15:50:00.004+08:00

o6`o2`2oo9

haix. tt kinda feeling just came back!
i felt so unhappy!
tried to read the eclipse i bought, play all sorts of applications in facebook, watched the videos i like on youtube, listen to the songs i love...
i am pratically doing all the things i enjoyed to get entertained...
but just no mood!!
what the hell! i am mad!!
super pissed off by this kinda feeling!
i am just at a corner and cant get myself out!
feeling empty and tired!!!
i am restless!!!

`what the hell___

`entry 19 disappointed!

2009-02-06T13:51:00.012+08:00

o6`o2`2oo9

haix!! dunno how things can become like that!

super shit! couldnt sleep well ytd because of the phone!

phone spoilt, camera function cant use. other than that still ok!

but yesterday the phone hang again! auto off, more pathetic!

hao bu rong yi fall asleep, yet i start to have nightmares one after another!

gosh! scary! nearly die in tt nightmare, luckily i left my phone on.

around nine like tt gt ppl msg me. woa! you saved my life ehx!

sort of! hahas. i went to jp to collect my books!

twilight series book 3!!!

Eclipse!

`book 3_eclipse!

a bit disappointed! cox different publisher..

then the book different. different cover, diff design, diff texture!

shit lo! i wanted a complete set de mahx!

then i ask tt guy to call me again when they got another version!

must wait 2 weeks to 2 months lo.

i left in dismay!! haix. tried my luck at harris! but they only carry in the newer version de.

so might as well i go back popular!

tt guy call me back!! he said tt the older publisher will not have stocks le!

then he advised tt i go back to popular to get the new publisher de..

he so styleee!! he even kept the last book for me though i didnt place order!

he say gg to have no stocks le, better buy this home first!

RIDICULOUS!

they keep the new stocks inside shelf. then after 3 days if the respective owners-to-be did not appear, they will then put the books on shelf le! gosh!

this is so lucrative lahx!

haix. i am also one of the addicts myself le! hahas.

then!! super angry! i call back that ez link card ppl.

she tricked me. she was about to ask me to go down to sign letters le!

about to send me for training and lessons le. then inn the end, the manager took over.

the manager say must give piority to those poly ppl first..

gosh!! they entering poly le lehx! dont need this job so urgently le bahx. how come like that! i am so angry about it!!

祸不单行!! i finally understand how it came about!!

seriously in need of a job! please!!

hope they will contact me again soon!

`yi chang huan xi, yi chang kong___

`entry 18 going out with yishan

2009-02-05T20:50:00.013+08:00

o5`o2`2oo9

hmmx. went out with yishan today!

outing has never been so fun and interesting!! hahas

was still afraid that we didnt have anything to do.

i skipped breakfast in order to have lunch with her.

Feast by kopitiam!

hahas. super interesting! saw papaya there..

we each ordered a set of pepper lunch..

first time eating tt. everytime say want to eat then in the end nv eat de..

*opening special___

pepper set + soup + salad + drink at 1o dollars...

quite nice, enjoyed the d.i.y cooking session, quite ex though..

`my chicken pepper set!

then yishan had her salmon pepper set..

took some pictures there!

then we found our new talents!

handicrafts ehx! super interesting! hahas.

we start making our cherries at mac!

new talents ehx! super interesting!
oh.. we took neo prints before tt!

`neoprints
it was a treat!! hahas. thanks so much!
we went back trying to get new inspirations.
dont really have! hahas, tt girl like dont know anything.
but we know a lot of professional terms ehx!
the jump ring the T-pins and all those lo.
very funny! act smart! i dropped my 'buttons' there! gosh!
went sweeping the floor!!
PATHETIC!!
my phone spoil le. dindnt even know how it spoilt.
the camera function just like that SPOILT!
i did nth lo! then no mood le!
tmr maybe gg jp! hahas~

`outing never get so fun___

`entry 17 call received!

2009-02-04T15:42:00.003+08:00

o4`o2`2oo9

woa! super duper sianx!
i have been rotting at home for mnths and when will my job come to me?
is not as if tt i nv go find lo! pathetic!!
but maybe they recruit ppl base on their looks.
keep saying like tt.. hahas
but if they want skills i also no skills lahx.
hmmx. yesterday isent in two resumes again...
dunno whether they will call me back not...
hmmx. a bit dis-hearted le lahx.
also dunno how to say... haix!!
this kinda feeling damn hard to describe!
until you kana yourself then will know...
hahas. super sianx throughout...
then afternoon finally got call ehx!!
the ez link card de call me... she is a nice lady lahx..
swee ling??
hmmx. she ask if i am able to start or rather wait till apr then start...
hmmx. i super shocked. then i huh
cox supposed to start 16 feb de mahx!
hmmx. then she very good ehx! she say got wat questions can ask like that...
she wont mind de! hahas. of course la, i asked like that! hahas.
a bit straight forward ehx. hahas
then she went to speak to her manager. hahas. managed to compromise..
around march!! hahas. hope can bahx.. then she know moo went with me...
then ask if got another ppl living around my area.. i told her lo.
hahas. then she nv give them call.
she knew that i will tell them?
i also dunno lahx. hahas. at least i got a call somewhere.
hahas.. see how lo! depends liao. i am so ok with tt job!
today morning~
i went to have brunch with my mama, went jp... hahas.
i purposely walk pass yi shan de shop..
go see her.. hahas, she looks tired! hmmx. pity her!
yi shan!!! must take care ehx!
hopefully tomorrow will go out together bahx..
hahas. also dunno where to go, but it has been a long time since i last went out with her.
then i bought a bun for her. hope shw likes it lahx..
hahas... i went to popular to look for eclipse book!
feel like buying tt book!! damn it lo! popular dont have ehx!
i left my number there! haix. they are not even sure when the stocks will reach! sianx diao lo
then i went to another shop! harris! hahas.
super quiet. tt side no ppl de.
i tried to look around to find to book, to no avail though.
then the sales quite nice, she approached me and ask if i need help..
she sae i can leave my number there, but forget it.. i said that i will be back next week.
hmmx! super interesting book! so many ppl are trying to get it.
publisher must have earned a lot.
a bit disappointed then i went home le lo.
woa.. then i got a call upon reaching home..
the ez link card thingy!!!
swee ling asked if i can work alone, she damn worried i am alone, with no friends..
hahs. i took some time to consider.. then i call her back after 3-5 mins..
i said ok. but dunno like that got ps others not, as in i work alone is i start first lehx.
i consider quite long... hmmx. dont like to ps. as in i understand this is also not ps lahx.
is forced under circumstances! tt lady super afraid i work alone.. hahas then keep on asking if it is okay. then i ask her to rest assured, i am actually ok with it de.
cox is like tt de mahx. there may be spaces lahx. but hard to work together with friends de
so those working with friends de! must treasure it horx!
sorry tt i might have to ps ppl here and there
waiting for call back lo.
maybe will hane to go down orchard if i got it!

`hope i get job soon___

`entry 16 spoiler

2009-02-03T10:06:00.002+08:00

o3`o2`2oo9

haix!! i feel so bad!
actually i not purposely de!
but didnt know how it become like that!
haix! so many restrictions!
also cant possibly blog it out like that!
gosh!!! haix! i am really sorry

`entry 15 第二顺位 (video)

2009-01-30T15:48:00.002+08:00

`the lyrics actually means alot___

`entry 14 happy 牛 year!

2009-01-30T14:32:00.003+08:00

3o`o1`2oo9

the fifth day of new year!
this year de new year got no qi fen
it is hardly the same when compared to last year!
due to the recession, also known as jing ji peng zhang
haix sianx diao! with a bit of inflation here and there! gosh!
haix. super sianx also!
flash back~
reunion dinner! went back to tje same place to have a dinner together.
every year like that de mahx!
ok lo! so so lahx. eat with quite a lot of ppl
cousins, uncles, aunties...
having steamboat! quite fun, bbq`ing mahx.
then lao yu sheng.
hahas. quite fun lo! so many ppl crowding over a big plate of yu sheng
so squeezy! hahas. so many chopsticks here and there trying to lao.
then most of it spilt on the table lo.
then joke around.. hahas. actually wanted to go k de!
BUT I HAVE TO GO BACK MALAYSIA!
haix. k session become talking crap!
they taught me how to speak canto~
hahs, but keep laughing at my pronounciation.
[maybe wrong spelling]
haix. i already tried to speak as fluently as i can le!
then they ask me dont speak canto le, they cant stop laughing when they hear the weird slang of mine! pathetic!
they say i speak chinese better la! hahas
then after packing all those stuffs jiu go home le.
such a successful reunion dinner, all the credits shall go to those who were busy preparing it days before!!
all those la!! hahas thank you
went home, prepare to bai bai
every year like tt de.
last two years nv help her, cox went k ehx.
now help her lo!
then around 11 plus,
malaysia de uncle came to fetch us back!
hmmx. around 1 plus then took his car back to malaysia!
gosh!
that side de condition super pathetic!
hahas. so sianx lo! nth much...
how i wish i can get back to singapore asap!
haix. got a few red packets here and there la, but everything rengit! i also got no use!
then when got relatives come, hv to entertain them.
woa! everyone i dunno de lo! i seldom get to see them, less than once a year la!
where got so many things to say!
then ah gong will tell them my bro and me de condition in singapore!
super duper sianx! i jus keep replying ya ya ya
pathetic! then will got cousins tell me about there condition!
i am not interested lo! doubt they will be interested about ours!
sianx diao! like that for two days!
luckily still got ice cream man come! hahas. tt ice cream is diff from ours de!
quite special! $1 each! around 50 cents SGD! hahas
nice to eat! then play with fire crackers lo!
this is something tt cant be found in singapore!
second dae is ah gong de birthday! hahas
happy birthday
this is after so many years got so many grandchildren celebrate with him!
so long le. he is really touched!
hahas. but short of two lo! haix!
then around 7 plus like that go home le! hahas. but 12 then reach home!
second link got big big jam!!
jam for so long! siaox lo! some ppl very inconsiderate also!
wat the hell lo! they just cut in front of the queue like tt!
angry! hahas.

`entry 13 dejected_

2009-01-21T20:15:00.002+08:00

21`o1`2oo9

dunno why am i feeling like that
kinda sianx diao nowadays!
cant really get my attention focus on something.
things are done with a bit impulsiveness...
i jus sae things that appear in my mind like that!
may offend ppl here an there.
but is like that lo!
sometimes i just dont feel like doing amything at all!
can someone pls explain these feelings to me?
arghh!

`hope the cny can make me in high spirits bahx___

`entry 12 my day

2009-01-21T19:32:00.004+08:00

21`o1`2oo9

hmmx. cant really think of a title for today!
did nth much! but kept thinking about yesterday!
dont really know what happened,
but it is really amusing for someone to escribe the feeling you ever felt it.
it is like so true. you can just relate to what he said!
you ever felt it? think it is common, but you just cant express tt kinda feeling.
it is amazing right.
well~
when you try to do something to get that feeling
or that illusion.
but that satisfaction just dont come out?
means you play com for fun or to make yourslef not that sianx,
you just dont feel it. you played to get enjoyment
but the mood you want is just not there?
instead, you start to feel a bit dejected?
i dont like such feeling!
i can really understand that kind of feeling!
DONT LIKE!
or when you very tired, you tried to sleep!
but even when you wake up, you flt the same!
same kind of shag!
or when you wanted to put in your best effort just to accomplish a task,
the results is not really there. but you tried very hard for it.
you dont feel the achievement! why is it like that?
sometimes when you are afraid of the outcome you dont want, you just work very hard for it!
because you are afraid!
sometimes, it is really the fear that bring you some where!
hmmx! really make a little bit of sense here and there! hahs
i ling wu dao le!
hahas! appreciated that somone told me how realistic the feeling is!
cool ehx! but i also cant do anything!
that kinda feeling just come naturally!
feeling empty? or what is it to describe that feel?

`empty, blurred___

`entry 11 new moon

2009-01-20T11:10:00.000+08:00

2o`o1`2oo9

the official date release of new moon REVEALED!
hmmx. it's 2o`11`2oo9
still so long ehx!! arghh! i must watch! =)

`entry 1o yesterday~

2009-01-20T08:47:00.003+08:00

2o`o1`2oo9

hahas. went for the interview yesterday!
with moo moo!
woa! the lift super scary, will feel pressure!
dont like the feeling of it!
the ears very xin ku! then when i come out yawn or swallow saliva also cant.
then, we dont really know that place.
looking for it untill a lady finally called out to us!
then, fill forms lo, after that that guy approach us.
actually was okay lahx
applied for the position of team member!
they required quite a lot of team member ehx!
hahas. 6 per hr. start only on 16 feb!
gosh! think that guy must have think that i am mad!
xinni made me ask the transportation allowance.
hao siao mahx? that guy really wrote on my form!
i should have told him lo! arghh!
that guy super funny, he asked me to wait at the corner of the room,
talking to moo moo first..
then! i also can hear what he was saying!
the room only got the 3 of us!
then when is my turn! i went to sit the seat moo moo just now sit de
then he checked my particulars, and repeated the same thing to me
i heard the same speech twice.
i can exactly anticipate the words he going to say!
gosh! super sianx diao!
we left after receving his namecard.
gave that number to xinni and yi shan!
cox maybe they interested! hahas.
then went to shop around that orchard with moo moo.
lunch and gossip!
since so long i have been gossiping. super funny!
that luch! woa! quite ex! my money gone!
the stupid ice cake!!! is just a scoop of ice cream then you flatten into a cake shape!
super gulible of me to thought that it was a cake! arghh!
after that went orchard mrt station!
MOO MOO WAKEN ME UP FROM MY DREAM!!!
she said that our ez link card will expire!
EXPIRE! any one know that?
so we must get a ez link card asap!
woa! i so shocked to hear her saying that it will expire in apr 2oo9
then need to buy new card! lols! so shocked! i didnt really believe ehx.
untill i saw the machine myself! thanks so much for that!
she bought a red card ad exchanged a blue/greenish card!
i was thinkin of ways to get an orange card!
if i got le then i will sae how i got it!
the card cost $5! then must top up $10 inside.
so you will be paying $15 for the card!
after that, we went wisma! shopping around lo!
saw yan hong from the escalator!
moo pointed it out de. i didnt really saw him!
hahas, but his onion head! super cool ahhx?
hhhmx. then we walk walk around jiu go home le!
i dont want to miss that a-go-go show! got nat ho ehx!
hahas~moo alighted first, then i super boring
then saw a girl reading eclipse! yeah! twilight fan!
super high! she was on the 3rd book le!
haha. i ask her where she get the book cover for the book.
she ask me to get it from city hall there of toa payoh!
super far! but a conver just began like that, nt knowing each other though.
we talked bout my fav character! EDWARD CULLEN!!
while hers was the father! sehx! then she still say edward cullen in the show not as shuai as what was written in the book! woa! where got lo! feel insulted~
then she asked me to finish book 2 asap, book 3 nicer!
hahs. book 2 damn hard to finish cox of my fave character!! lol
she bet that i will be more interested in book 3.
hahas. then she nearly forget to alight!
was really chatting happily! nv did something like that before!
酒逢知己千杯少 ,话不投机半句多! think it is really like that!
interactions with others are really so amusing! hahas.
just a book, common interest, can really make two strangers chatted like that!
so cool! hmmx. see~ twilight is really a good book that can make something like that happened!
hahas~ and ya!

`i did not miss call yesterday___

`entry 9 interview

2009-01-19T10:40:00.002+08:00

19`o1`2oo9

finally! i got a chance to interview ehx! hahas. so good!
chance only la! but hope they will recruit me
sorry jas,
jas tried to give me her job cox she quitting.
thanks so much for your concern too!
hmmx~
will be going out with moo later. hope it will be fun. but is interview first la.
no job de can still look for me, hopefully la!
cox they still hiring!
have been looking forward to this moment since saturday evening!
hahas. jia you clara.
hope it is okay!

`jia you___

`entry 8 so touched!

2009-01-19T09:25:00.002+08:00

19`01`2oo9

hahas. so touched by all the tags on my blog!
really thanks all of you so much!!
hmmx. but it is kinda hard to get a job now lo!
the economy isnt that good! you know?
hahas. but still trying la!
not to give up easily!!
this is what chai ling used to teach me since sec 3 lo!
hahas. but it was a-maths then! hahas
things change!
first day of work for chai ling??
hahas. hope things go well for her!
ok la! not to worry! i still searching.
but some employers are like yi mao qu ren!
damn angry about it!
how can like that right! cant judge the book by its cover ehx!
teacher also got teach la!
oh ya~
at first didnt really blogging bout this!
haix. trying to get over yesterday!
i did something bad. but wasnt really in good mood.
so~ hmmx. i broke my promise!
i understand how important it is not to miss call le!
but things just happen like that! inevitable!
phone was in silent! haix. 3 of the miss calls yesterday!
i didnt mean it ehx. told ah ni about it. she also say is my fault!
hmmx. i know la! i know the feeling when someone miss my call!
is like worrying for the person who nv pick up.
is she okay? did something happened?
is that kind of worry lor.
i was scolded by my mama before because of missing calls!
hmm was not the first time to call me for missing hmm's calls.
so i promised hmm that i wont miss call le!
but just one day, one day only.
then again, i miss calls again!
i am sorry! really feeling bad about it even till now
must understand that i am not one who breaks my promise easily!
a lot of chances were given though.
haix. forgive me la!

`not missing calls, my promise___

`entry 7 18`o1`2oo9

2009-01-18T15:05:00.002+08:00

hmmx. damn sianx.
got a pathetic dream yesterday. it was so frightenin
dreams are always opposite of the reality~
so i hope it is.
i dreamt that i was alone!
left alone in some where very dark! i dont even know where i was!
so scary! i shouted out loud but no one replied~
no body ehx. woa. i kept running and running
but the surrounding looks the same
as in it is all dark! cant see!
then i ran till i fell! i was also clumsy in my dream
gosh! i fell into a paddle of dark water and that feeling of falling is so real
thought i really fell, sometimes it is this kinda feeling that wake me up from the dream!
thanks for that! if not i wont be able to escape from the dream!
woa. i cant sleep back. scared that nightmare might just come back.
didnt really sleep well, haix. still a bit tired!
sleep deprivation! hahas.
then~
calling for that job again. said that i was giving up.
haix. but was qi hua la. had nv been so enthu for a job!
i sent in my resume ehx... hahas. yup! my boasting and lying.
hope they will call me soon lo! haix!
in need of a job!

`not to miss calls___

`entry 6 17`o1`2oo9

2009-01-17T21:08:00.002+08:00

hmmx. after considerations.
i thought of giving up
seriously!
does picture really mean more than words?
the narcissism_ obsession of oneself_appearance
haix. i bet it does. if not so long le i still no job yet.
thinking of ways to portray a better self.
how the hell can i really do that.
want looks no looks, want talent no talent, want skills also no skills.
pathetic? it is really so.
haix. what the hel when they say they want experience de
i understand. having the relevant experience can make the job easier.
but also got law of diminishing marginal returns (LDMR) mahx.
it is okay to employ those without experience de.
if there is no one kind enough to provide jobs for these ppl, they will still stay unemployed!!
he/she will not get any experience unless there is one kind soul to give them such a offer!
understand? so start to employ them!!! this is important!
there must be one to kick the ball rolling!
experience isnt something that will drop from the sky, it dont!!
Bear this is mind!
not receiving calls, not getting replies!
thanks chai ling for concerning me today!
she told me to look for more agency, one agency not enough, must find more!
thanks yi shan, xinni.
told me to send my resume everywhere!
thanks yu tian and weili.
keeping a look out for jobs for me!
~but sometimes
i really feel like giving up!
just heck everything like that.
i know. no one knows it better than me
cant understand how badly i wish to earn money!
haix, giving up, rest for a while before i take another run!
~then
i understand how important is it to pick up calls.
important calls and not to miss them le!
i understood! the feeling is like what the hell!
i have got important to say, yet the one on the other end jus dont bother!
it might be not as important for the one on the other end,
but as a caller! you need to get the message conveyed!
be it whether it is just a causual conver o not!
a causual conver also mean that someone out there still cares for you, wanting to talk to you!
replying messages also weigh the same weight!
really understand all these feeling. throughly!!!

`giving up_____

`entry 5 17`o1`2oo9

2009-01-17T21:06:00.001+08:00

woa!! new look for my blog.
when you get dazzled by some perfection, it became addiction!
hahas. cheers! =)

`entry 4

2009-01-16T17:58:00.004+08:00

entry 4
16`o1`2oo9

hmmx. dead le. still didnt managed to find any job..
broke! no money le la.
was some how addicted to twilight!
the story plot or the character?
i must admit that edward cullen is very suave, though.
cant stop reading it!! so cool lo
dazzled by the perfection of edward cullen!!
he is near perfection, or maybe over perfection.
hmmx. could hardly believe that words alone can actually make one shuai~
oh ya~
i got a call in the morning from recruit express ehx.
i missed it twice..
think gone le.
when i call back, they nv answer it.
haix. everytime i'd miss those important calls de.
2 just now and 5 yesterday...
oh my god! hmm must be damn furious with me.
i didnt meant it la. =)
i wouldnt miss it if i know it is important.
then~
i'm still trying to take a photo that is well enough for resume.
gosh, could hardly take a decent picture!!
HARDLY lo.
haix. disappointed.
resume writting is already hard enough.
some of the parts is really boasting balantly!!!
hmmx. but resume...
a document to make yourself more appealing.
agree? woa. crapping here and there lo.
really thanks a lot for those who contributed for my resume.
yi shan hor? hahas.
your credit noted!!

hmmx. finally understood how hard looking for job is..
and always, when you dont get what you wanted.
start cursing and swearing.
have been ren qi tun shen`ing
always de~ when they say considering before they call you,
you will be clever enough to know that it is gone!
woa. all my thoughts!!! agrhh
hope there wont be so much time for my complaints le.
yup~ thanks for all the encouragements and concerns when things dont turn out smoothly!
APPRECIATED!

`job ahhx!!!

`entry 3

2009-01-10T13:39:00.000+08:00

entry 3
1o`o1`2oo9

angry and fustrated!

`entry 2

2009-01-10T10:36:00.003+08:00

entry 2
1o`o1`2oo9

哭笑不得，是我现在的心情吧
我知道也非常明白，但这心情还是不知不觉地出来
was once here

`when will my job come to me?_____

`entry 1

2009-01-05T18:18:00.006+08:00

entry 1___
o5`o1`2oo9

YEAH!!! 2009
hahas welcome 2009.
like nothing special lo. just another year!
but 2008 is really a fruitful one. Fantastic.

Looking back at 2008_
quite a lot of things happened.

1.conflicts, bad memories
suddenly friends just fall apart. nothing really happened. but sometimes relationships are really like that. you dont know what can happen the next day just because of an incident. but the best part is____ if there are ways to mend it, ties are even stronger than before!

2.death
separation from loved ones
身命就如此脆弱，如此的不堪一击
死去的有多难过，活着的却有多痛苦
日子一天一天地过，记忆里的画面也会渐渐地模糊吧?
this might be the ending for some, but it can also be the beginning for others.
learning to live life wothout the existence of one..
花开花谢，潮起潮落, 应该就是这个意思吧

3.wonderful memories
class bonding session! woa. our class became so bonded. suddenly!!!
then the class play match... play daring games... play digusting shit games during prom.
class spirit dont just end here. it must be forged even after this.

4.birthday celebrations.
mei qi~ spray water at her then went to lunch together
shan~ got one super surprising present for her
zoey~ present but cant share
xinni~ cant share also
haha! my birthday___ memorable bahx.. but there are also something cock up in between lo.

year 2oo9_a year to Achieve, to Change, to Expect
1. hope to get good results
2. all to be happy and healthy everyday
3. get a job to offset the effect of increasing transport fare
4. economy to be okay
5. hahas [secret]...

`really need my dreams to come true_____

`chapter 18

2008-11-21T13:31:00.004+08:00

`chapter 18 [dreams are always beautiful]
21`11`2008

exams are finally over.
can then take a break from where i started off.
but it feels a bit weird when i got nth to do esp in the afternoon!!!
ahhx!! ask me go out lehx!!
got no programme, no shopping spree, no hanging out with friends.
woa. so 无趣! colourless!
hmmx. now trying to plan activities...
for 26 nov!!! 18th birthday lehx..
once in a lifetime!!
充满了期待!!
`but things just doesnt seems to be running smoothly!!!
arghh! i want wonderful presents de hor!!
hahas. sianx. now stuck at the planning thing!!
can someone just help mi?
haix. things just does not tally lorx..
a bit no mood to settle them, yet my cousin rushing for my conclusion!!
sianx diao ahhx!
hmmx. 就跳出来别在去想那么多一下!
yesterday had a wonderful dream!
so perfect!! somemore it has got link with things that really took place.
it doesnt even feel like dream.
虽然是幻想,只是凭空想像...
但一切的感觉很实在.
woa.. it will be better if it turns into reality!!
所谓的日有所思,夜有所梦应该就是这样!!
haix.. wonder how long will it take for my dream to come true!
must put this inside my wishlist this year!!!
hahas. suddenly thought of sec 4 whereby i wrote DREAMS.
in conclusion, i hope dreams wont come true.
but this is a completely different scenario!!
hence, i believed that dreams should come true especially for the case of beautiful and wonderful dreams! [like that one i dreamt of lo]
haix.. jumped back! gotta plan stuffs.

`i hope that my dreams will come true_____
at least the wishes i had for my birthdays!

`chapter 17

2008-10-28T18:51:00.001+08:00

`chapter 17 [dead]
28`1o`2oo8

hmmx. half dead,
yet exams are near..

`determining_____

`chapter 16

2008-10-06T17:22:00.003+08:00

`chapter 16 [worried]
o6`1o`2oo8

hmmx. was damn worried about my neck.
haix. i wonder when will it recover.
already very long le.
thanks for all the concerns given,
but it is just sad to know that it spreads...
haix.
i going to the doctors later.
hopefully it will be fine.
hmmx.
jia you for a levels.
hahas.
so happy. my study break got approvved.
but will still be back in school for consultations and stuffs.
hmmx. so many things that upset me a lot!

`worried sick_____

`chapter 15

2008-09-27T07:51:00.002+08:00

`chapter 15 [tired]
27`o9`2oo8

hmmx. will be having exams soon.
so tired lehx..
haix everyday got to prepare for this and that!
arghh. must jia you

`running my last lap_____

`chapter 14

2008-08-01T21:41:00.006+08:00

`chapter 14 [many things happened]
o1`o8`2oo8

hmmx. recently got so many things happened
also dunno what and how to say.
things are happening at a rate that i could hardly control.
before i can settle this prob,
another prob just pop up from nowhere.
aiyox. especially on 25`o7`2oo8.
oh my god.. suddenly broke into tears like that.
thanks so much for being there,

yi shan, mei qi, xinni. you all were shocked.
hahas. but dunno why.
i thought i will not be affected.
i thought i will be okay..
i thought and i thought...
wishful thinking bahx~
hmmx. but didnt know how come like that.
really know that one must learn to treasure
their loved ones before it is too late.
ppl often do not know how to treasure, but it is too late when you finally realise it.
i am also one of them.
haix~ sianx diaox
went to malaysia to attend something important.
can be considered as a bonding session bahx.
we seldom gather together, very long nv see each other too. hmmx.
took a photo.!

a style de.
then. pon school for one day.

hmmx. today is the last day of school.. so funny lorx..
took damn lot of pic with the class.
why our class is only bonded near the end.
a bit sad lorx.. it could be better if things were to begin earlier.
so cool... but..
i can say the last day of school before study break was indeed memorable.

took photo with keith..
but wasnt calling him keith just now. hahas

first 'family pic' we took
suppose to be wan zi san xiong di..
dunno y keith became the father.
haha~

second picture. they say jin yi became mama.
then.. hmmx. jas as the elder sis.
hui min 2nd sis, cox she got the 2nd sis face.
me as xiao mei..
hmmx. winston is someone who like 2nd sis. or xiao di!

third pic.
eldest sis went away.

then appeared!

stacy so cute lorx.. hahas

zoey.. hahas
she dropped my phone..
then like so guilty.. but nvm lahx.
hahas

after service test. then my phone okay

class reps~

photo with yi shan!! hahas

`last day of school before study break_____

`chapter 13

2008-07-12T09:01:00.003+08:00

`chapter 13 [blogging bout this week]

12`o7`2oo8

it is such a busy week. from tuesday till friday.
could hardly take a rest
before i can take a nap after finishing maths function,
i realised that there are more things that need to be done.
how come life turn into such a boring one.
life with no enjoyment.. sianx lorx.
tues___ after gp les. so high. hahas

wed___ i went for econs content.. arghh.. but. forget it.
quite okay lahx. then the teacher so funny.
discussed about BOP surplus and deficit with meiqi. so funny
went to collect my 鬼怒穿!

thur___ told zoey the wonderful joke.
she understand lorx.. then. she came up with another nasty point.
study for econs on international trade. haix so sianx.
something stupid happened lorx. arghhx

frid___ finally time for rest!
hahas
went for maths us remedial. okay lorx. hmmx.
but doubt i will go next week.
see how lorx.
then a bit hungry. went to mac with xinni.
damn funny. she took so many packets of it.

photo of wednesday!

collected my book! [from my bro, its great having a bro =)]

so cool!

just realised that i got so many of it. hahas

collected this with xinni.

dont think anyone can break her record!!

gan bai xia feng! hahas

`me having a busy life_____

`chapter 12

2008-06-28T21:02:00.002+08:00

`chapter 12 [quiz]
28`o6`2oo8

this is a quiz that i've been tagged to do..

1.By what age do u wish to marry?
when time is right and before i am old, hopefully met the correct him!

2.What do u want the most now?
a lot!! good results~ wave to him~

3.Who is the person u trust the most?
myself~ family members

4.Do u think u have enough confidence?
it is never going to be enough as i have got so many things that need to be done with confidence!

5.If u have a dream to come true, what will it be?
dreams come true?! not sure if it will come true not.

6.Do u believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
of course~

7.What is ur goal for this year?
Good results for everything!

8.Do u believe in eternity love?
yes! till i find the correct one!

9.Have u broke someone's heart that he/she tried to commit suicide?
no!

10.What are the feelings you like most?
being loved? now! talking to___

11.If one day, u realise that the world is going to end, and u can save five people.. who will they be?
family members + 2 cousins

12.Wat feeling do u hate the most?
being alone, sad, quarrel, bored

13.Do u cherish every single friendship of urs?
of course!

14.What do u think is most important in life?
everything! every single part of it. it is always the bits and pieces that come up together to make a wonderful life!

15.Who do u hope to be always there with u?
family members. ___

16.Who are your best friends?
too many to mention! hahas

17. What do you look for in a friend?
caring~ understanding~ sensible~ shuai!!! hahas. joking lahx

18.If a genie grant u 3 wishes, what will it be?
i only need 1!! that is for all my dreams to come true! hahas. joking lahx.
hmmx. firstly. good results.
secondly. happy family, life.
lastly. love come true

19. What would u do if u noe that u will be dying soon?
confess my love!! and live my last day as happy as can me.
the day i die will be such a meaningful day for me.
i will be contented even for that 1 day with him!

20.how wonderful is ur life?
very challenging! but learning to appreciate every day of it!

`Instructions:Remove one of the qns and add in ur personal qn, make a total of 20 qn. then tagged ppl in ur list, list them out at the end of ur post. Notify them in chatbox, that he/she has been tagged. Whoever do this tagged... will receive blessing from all...

receive my blessing___
yi shan
xinni
mei qi
zoey
kai xian
yan hong
yan shan

`completed the quiz with invitation_____

`chapter 11

2008-06-27T19:22:00.003+08:00

`chapter 11 [friday in school!]
27`o6`2oo8

woa. today. super tired..
making the present for yi shan till 1 ytd.
hmmx. super tired. but very sincere.
hahas. sianx lorx.
lesson started with civics, which turned into a chem tut!
still okay with it.

break! pass the present to yi shan.
she quite touched..
first time doing a puzzle. took me so long!
then i dont even know which side to apply the glue.
super funny! but quite nice!
OH MY GOD!
i forget to take a picture of my jia zuo!
haix.
econs tut.
teacher teaching tariff diagram!
i was half asleep~ yawn. too tired. hahas

then suddenly mei qi more high than me.
she say. eh eh eh!!!
hahas. then i know wat happened.
that room!! arghhx. nearly got the same!
hmmx. today end at 11.3o
went for class bonding. after tt i joined in.
become goalpost.
miss lots of balls~ so sorry!
but in the end we still win!
but!! i want to comment on the hardships of me and mei qi!
the sun very glaring you know..
especially when you look up and catch the ball!
oh my god!.
very xin ku!!!
hahas.

supposed to lunch at home.
but went to jp wth yi shan.
hmmx.
her birthday coming soon.
did a lot of dumb things.
stupid!
when i clearing up the mess.
the cleaner still wa lau eh!!
irritating lorx.
went home after walking a while. super tired!

`wonderful friday econs tut_____

`chapter 10

2008-06-20T17:59:00.003+08:00

`chapter 10 [maths block test]
2o`o6`2oo8

the most terrible sleep ever.
haix. recently haven been doing anything.
then have to study harder the night before.
but i didnt really slack a lot.
i slack less than slackers but definitely more than muggers.
simply because muggers dont slack.
haix. plan to sleep at 2.. but in the end..
i slept at around 4... cant sleep!!

woke at 6.3o in the morning, cox the lightning too scary.
the room was in a sudden brightness~
then study again!
woa~ i am still okay after the small 2 and a half hours sleep.
great...

when i flip open the paper, i so shocked.
suddenly forget everything.
dont really know the outcome.
haix.
pathetic! but just now.. so cool.
hahas. took the same bus..
first time lehx.
hahs. great. very happy.
thanks for all the efforts by zoey, meiqi, xinni, moo moo and yi shan.
hahas.. they more high than me lorx..

then. had a bowl of congee at jp.
haix. broke my own records.
took 38 minutes to finish that bowl.
hahas. my day

`my record_38 minutes for a bowl of congee_____

`chapter 9

2008-06-03T13:16:00.002+08:00

`chapter 9 [我愿逆流而上]
o3`o6`2oo8

da dong so cool!!!
da dong!!!
woa. he wear specs so shuai!!

在水一方

绿草苍苍白雾茫茫
有位佳人在水一方
绿草萋萋白雾迷离
有位佳人靠水而居

我愿逆流而上依偎在她身旁
无奈前有险滩道路又远又长

我愿顺流而下找寻她的方向
却见依稀仿佛她在水的中央

绿草萋萋白雾迷离
有位佳人靠水而居

我愿逆流而上依偎在她身旁
无奈前有险滩道路又远又长

我愿顺流而下找寻她的方向
却见依稀仿佛她在水的中央

我愿逆流而上与她轻言细语
无奈前有险滩道路曲折无已

我愿顺流而下找寻她的踪迹
却见仿佛依稀她在水中伫立

`我愿逆流而上依偎在她身旁_____

`chapter 9

2008-06-03T10:53:00.002+08:00

`chapter 9 [finally back]
o3`o6`2oo8

hahas.
finally back to update and write something in my blog..
recently very sianx. but did nth much..
got class outing.. band camp. this and that.
but i dont need to go band liaox. finally step down.
hahas. so happy!! my wednesdays are free..

hahas. talking about today lahx..
woa.
so happy. so happy!!

i am over the moon_____

`chapter 8

2008-05-02T21:10:00.004+08:00

`chapter 8 [photos]
o2`o5`2oo8

the three of us!

the two of us!

so cool right.

we left ccab, with the sky looking like that!

`chapter 7

2008-05-02T20:35:00.007+08:00

`chapter 7 [the field! the field! the field is on fire!]

o2`o5`2oo8

hmmx! funny day.

kick start with ah ni's flying paper.

tot it will rain during assembly.

then there were gusts of strong wind. ah ni's paper flew away.

damn funny! despite singing the national anthem,

ah ni can still move her hands.

maths lecture.. i got accused for nth!

accused!

so dumb... i was trying to copy dwn the diagram..

then he say i looking at chem.

i know got spa lahx. but i was listening!!

finally chem spa.

woa. sianx. but i got finish doing lahx..

with a bit mess here and there. forget it.

moo moo okay bahx. dont think too much!

hmmx. pc damn wonderful.

play with another teacher.

quite friendly.

play dodge ball, monkey and cling cling.

cling cling

sounds a bit funny. but quite ok.

hahas. zhong dian!

magic~

went for the rugby match at ccab.

so many ppl there! woa! irritating!

then saw my pri school fren.

one of the ruggers in pj.

he still remember me! hahas.

woa. super interesting.. but the match a bit rough lorx.

they stack over each other lehx. hmmx.

then got one guy run like wind de. hmmx. he injured his leg.

so wasted! haix.

three of us very high lorx. at firx got a bit shocked.

cox we dont know wat rugby is about..

very dangerous!

got one part!

magic~

i like it so much. very amazing.

yan shan kana carried up by the ruggers!!

i super shocked lehz. woa~

then winston run so fast with the ball!

hmmx. interesting ahhx~

suddenly got ppl approach us. free red bull lehx.

the three of us damn high. keep on fa hua chi with ah ni!

woa. so cool! hehe.
hmmx. then over all.

jj won! hahas. cool horx!

JJ! hahas. the thing end with a solid cheer!

cool ahhx~

cheer for the ruggers!

the field! the field!

the field is on fire!

THE FIELD! THE FIELD!

THE FIELD IS ON FIRE!

`chapter 6

2008-04-30T21:48:00.002+08:00

`chapter 6 [my day]
3o`o4`2oo8

hahas. today.
nth much happened.
only happened to bypass here.
hahas. but.. i passed my phy!

then when the break.. hahas
funny. just now.
a lot of interesting things happened

hmmx.

highly motivated to work hard_____

`chapter 5

2008-04-30T21:34:00.002+08:00

`chapter 5 [perfect 29]
_____blogging bout 29`o4`2oo8

hahas. have been looking forward to this day.
since 1 month ago.
hahas. so long lorx. decided to wave...
hmmx. should i or should i not?

haix.. today. pretty cool!
i cant get up the bus. then tot i will late..
then when taking 198, saw this j1~
woa~ oh my god lorx.
he sitting beside me.
just beside lehx!
cool lahx. you cant imagine how terrible it is..
so many j1 girls starring at me..
woa! siaox lahx. frm here,
can ald see how charming he is!
but! the one who sit beside him is me lorx.
xing fu~~ =)

reach school. nth special. but keep lookiing around.
hoping that my dreams will come true.
hahas. cool lorx.. then wave to another fren..
wearing orange. woa.
the class so striking. damn cool!
orange!

woa.
then after civics, got maths tut.
i saw zoey's best freind.
then i sae hello..
hahas, he got reply lehx. i so shocked.

break. i went to the bball court.
saw that game.
hahs. so coooool! will nv forgot.

always on my mind~
29`o2_29`o3_29`04

`chapter 4

2008-04-30T21:14:00.002+08:00

`chapter 4 [woa~]
_____blogging bout 28`o4`2oo8

it is a monday.
hmmx. monday blues..
dont feel like going to school.
hmmx. today as per normal.
woa. then the pc les.
wonderful! we enjoyed ourselves!!
hehe. but did quite a bit of running too.
play captain's ball!
but 1 girl quite aggressive.. hahas. so funny!
hmmx. very angry.. my head kana hit by the ball.
woa.. if things are like that...
i would rather hav mre pc les!!!
hahas.

then overall still okay!
wonderful.. hahas. a wonderful 28 will lead to a perfect 29 bahx?

looking forward to perfect 29.

`chapter 3

2008-04-25T20:36:00.002+08:00

`chapter 3 [wonderful]
25`o4`2oo8

hahas.. todae. hmmx.
wonderful.. haix.
no more words can describe how wonderful it is.
hmmx. but actually nth much happen lahx.

but total contrast when compared to ytd.
hahas. todae saw the complete failure of relay sys.
dont believe that things ended up being like that.
the current situation can be improved!
hahas. wear class tee to school.
a lot ppl laugh at me lorx!
but the design was nice.
then after maths lect, went to library.
library lehx!
but did nothing much. was reading books lorx..
the scenery quite nice also.
hahas. was so funny.
all thanks to amazing!
but i was so hungry during the tut.

things were wonderful todae!
i found my long lost fool scap lehx..
with the help of si jie.
hahas. then o2`o5 got chem spa.
woa. i was shocked!
aim to finish that in time.
hahas, ppl believe that i cant finish lorx.

bball lost the match while i was at the dialogue session.
haix. what a strong opponent.
dialogue session, crapping with gong kia lorx...
woa. damn funny. loads of craps..

great day as it ended like that!
will make sure that i enjoy it. =)
*you brighten up my dae!_____

`chapter 2

2008-04-24T22:19:00.001+08:00

`chapter 2 [my class tee]
24`o4`2oo8

so cool right?!
I am Clare

`chapter 1

2008-04-24T21:34:00.002+08:00

`chapter 1 [blog revived]
24`o4`2oo8

decided to revive my blog.
hahs.

talking about today!
TODAY ISNT MY DAE!
so dumb.. stupid lorx..
haix.

morning was wonderful and beautiful.
but econs tutorial spoil everything.
freak!
i studied so hard, ended up failing.
should have wrote faster!
but also very hard!

then after that.
haix.so happy.
getting class tee
jersey lehhxx.
but.. it ended up..
haix...
but still okay lahx...
never mind.
still can accept..
if not rachel have to go so far!
hahas.

woa.. the most irritating part...
i kana scolding for no reason... NO REASON!
wat the hell...
that bit*h... haix.. i was just drinking my water.
then she scold me..
you got problem is it.
can you dont look at your drink while you walk.
dont drink while you walk.i was stunned!!
SHELL SHOCKED!!!
siaox lorx.. got ppl like t one mehx..
i didnt even knw what to sae!!
then moo moo sae.
what's your problem.
hahas. so cool. thank you moo moo so much.
haix. stupid.
somee more that bit*h say is my problem.
siaox!

so angry!

2007-11-29T09:44:00.002+08:00

vincent

2007-11-29T09:44:00.001+08:00

Vincent

Starry starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colours on the snowy linen land
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now

Starry starry night
Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze
Reflect in Vincent’s eye of china blue
Colours changing hue
Morning field of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand
Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they did not know how
Perhaps they’ll listen now
For they could not love you
But still your love was true
And when no hope is left in sight
On that starry starry night
You took your life, as lovers often do
But I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry starry night
Portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watched the world and can’t forget
Like the strangers that you’ve met
The ragged man in the ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose
Lie crashed and broken on the virgin snow
Now I think I know
What you tried to said to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen, they’re not listening stillPerhaps the never will

[29`11`2007]

2007-11-29T09:44:00.000+08:00

[29`11`2007]

thursday

09:54

hmmx.. so sianx.. today is a brand new day..

haha.. yesterday received bi yun de msg..

hmmx. was very shocked..

everything is so unexpected..

therefore.. it is definitely important to treasure everything that we have.

hmmx.

everything just went over me when i was in shock..

but nothing could be done to improve the situation..

no point thinking about it again and again..

haix. will always be in my memories!!

forever a part of my life in jj!

28`11`2007! part of my memories!

i will remember that!

hmmx. think positively, things might get better!

coz, there will be a rainbow after the rain! =]

should be!

hahas. yesterday collect my gift from yi shan!

hahas.

thank you thank you!!!

hehe..

got 2 thank you!!!

hmmx.

very cute lorx!

pooh, tigger, piglet and eyore!

hmmx. so cute!!!
hahas. very touched!!

hmmx. so cute!! thank you!! =)

hahas. then must thank you meiqi, xinni and zoey!!

they celebrated my belated birthday..

hahas. still okay lahx...

27`11`2007!

hmmx. we at suntec!! hahas. eay pastamania!!

hahas. quite nice lahx.. hahas.

then after that we were like tourists...

taking pictures all around!! hmmx!

must give our compliment to the guy that volunteered to take pic for us!
hahas. so cool!

thank you!!! =) hahas.

thank you so much!! hmmx.. this kind of good souls kinda

extinct in singapore!! that pic is nice!!

quite nice! that guy very cool lahx.. hahas. could never forget!!!

2007-11-18T20:01:00.004+08:00

happy birthday to me!! =)
haix..
my date spoil again!!!

[25`11`2007]

2007-11-18T20:01:00.003+08:00

[26`11`2007]
today writting about yesterday!!!
11:05
[25`11`2007]
sunday
hahs. going to blog about yesterday!!
hahs
so happy..
hmmx...
one more day to my birthday!!!
hehe..
afternoon went to seoul garden to celebrate!!! with my cousin...
hahas. then they gave me...

the winnie the pooh..
last time i want that one.. the head can nod de..
hahas. but this winnie the pooh can dance!!
not shot by barry the bee!!
hahas

the tortoise is edmund give de..
hahas. quite cute right!!
hmmx..
going to show ya wat i received from meiqi, xinni, zoey, gwen and bi yun!!

hmmx. very cool right.. got glitter de lehx... hahas.
thank you! =)
thank you meiqi.
thank you xinni.
thank you zoey.
thank you gwen.
thank you bi yun!=)
and now..
i let you all see what is the best present i received for the year!!!
very cool!!
totally unexpected!!
love it so much!!!

yi zhi du xiu!!!
hahas. xiao zhu's concert!!!
hahas.
tickets!! hmmx thank you!!! hahas.
lastly..
still got birthday cake lahx...

today will be better??! =)
happy birthday to me..

winnie the pooh saw in ntuc!! hmmx. 29.90!!!

[19`11`2007]

2007-11-18T20:01:00.002+08:00

19`11`2007

monday
hmmx.. actually monday want blog liaox..

hahas. about lin feng!!

oh my god!!

he is the most favourited male actor!!!

oh my god..

hahas.

so shuai lahx!!

agree??!! confirm agree de lahx!!! =)

number one!!

hahas!! he is really showing a good example!!

hmmx.. his character also very good!!

haix.. got proof de lehs!!

hmmx.. gotta learn from him!!!

jia you jia you!!

jia you together!!! =)