19`o2`2oo9

is it character or just being tenacious?
i pick things up easily but not put them back to their original position back as easy as before.
na de qi, fang de xia!
practically i just fang bu xia!
what has become of me?? i really cant understand what the hell is going on with me...
i still very bothered by whether the parent will contact me or not!
i clearly know that this isnt about the fees i am going to earn le..
i just like that student so much ehx. i just cant get it out of my mind.
is this being stubborn?? clinging on things that dont belong to me??
well!!! at least it once belonged to me, and i hope that it will continue to belong to me.
why i just cant stop these things from bothering me?? furthermore, it's just one lesson..
if these trivial things can have so huge an impact on me..
then how am i going to suffer other more deadly blows?
lethal blows will only mean a catastrophe for me. i believe that i die easily after seeing how unprotected i actually am.
is this determination or just being irresolute?
am i really so into the idea of having that tuition. or just cant decide for myself.
i am always emotional more than being rational. feelings just overtake the position of reasonings in me. just one lesson yet i get this kinda feeling.. oh my god..
sudden to think of it, how useless have i been all these years..
these few days got no mood lo. sort of feeling empty..
that irritating feeling i used to describe. gosh!! i am going bonkers!
simple answers. simple answers to simple desires.
but now i cant even find answers to my desires.
just to get entertainment and enjoyment from whatever things i am doing, but those feelings i yearned for just failed to come back to me..
my original spirits all ruined!! haix. where was the monday me? the tuesday me when i was alright? i just get pissed off by everything that gets in my way.
i suddenly realised how the ability of controlling something so unsubstantial.
so it is still better when we live in delusion and deceive ourselves.
i am in no position to control anything since everything is fated. this is going to be such a fatalistic view.. but what more can i say when i am in no position to control and decide things for myself? how come there are always saying that goes like that~
to fight for the things that you wanted.
you have to fight for it to achieve it.
you have to fight for your own happiness.
when all my weapons are all destroyed in the battle i fight earlier in pursue of something-whereby i got nothing in return-how am i going to fight this time?
to fight with my bare hands is nothing better than giving up straight away.
if you know that you are going to lose the fight, then what for you start it?
other than losing the fight, you will not stand o gain anything except for the injuries and the bruises you win from the fight.
to be optimistic... you never fight, you never know who will win.
but again.. you will never know who the winner is, and this also means that you are not a loser.
so___

`giving up in a fight is also another way of winning___
deceiving, escaping, fleeting