`dazzled by the perfection____

`entry 44 perfect 29

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 1:01 PM

3o`o3`2oo9

woa. it has been so long since i mentioned perfect 29...
hahas. yeah!! yesterday was 29..
went to fei lun hai qian chang hui with yi shan.
woa.. we reach around 12 plus.. so sianx lo...
like a bit deja vu!! when we reach there.. oh my god.
gotta go to the fourth level and queue..
then got so many zhuan jiao!
thought of giving up initially.. but yi shan say must try.
maybe can.... hahas. got plan de!
hahas. then we queue there so long..
play hangman. okay la. the time there quite easy to pass.
got too many things to crap together. hahas.
then finally the queue start to move..
got one part whereby need to go down escalator de.. so malu lo.
finallyreach garden plaza then! woa. tt side damn squeezy...
then we walk very fast..some more raining...
then jiahui [host] say. 我相信外头的雨是不会熄灭大家对飞轮海的热情的!!
true true!
we start to feel the need to cut queue.
squeeze here and there then cut here and there.
if not wont get the handshake and autograph le..
the most important part is cut ppl lo.. ppl busy taking photo then slow down everything...
then gotta make sure that we get the autograph. we have to do it..
nobdy will shou gui ju at that situation lo..
who will quee properly??
hahas. was worrying throughout untill we get to the front and got the sticker in..
cox the first time we very in front le also never get our album signed.
lol! woa! all of them very good lehx..
calvin_xie xie ni zhi chi wo men.
ya lun_you mei you lin dao yu.
jiro_yao jia you orhx.
wu zun_hen xin ku bahx, xin ku ni le.
woa.. everyone of them was like super sweet..
then just realised that ya lun wasnt feeling well yesterday!
hmmx.but he also signed quite alot!
RESPECT ahhx!! hahas
then yesterday got some auntie fans.. then some accompany their daughter..
those accompany daughter de a bit off lehx.. you sholud be asking them to stay at home and study at this kind of sec1 sec2 or pri5 pri6 age bahx. totally off lo!!
my mum already say i siao when i say i going for autograph session lehx. hahas.
then for those auntie fans.. i really take my hat off them...
is it was me.. i dont think i have the courage to go for autograph session le bahx.
as in the stamina also dont have le. hahas
really admire the courage they have.
agree?

`人因梦想而伟大,要勇敢地追求自己的梦想___

`entry 43 soothing

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 1:31 PM

23`o3`2oo9

it feels nice when the music is played with the blog!

`bella's lullaby___

`entry 42 stagnant

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 12:06 PM

23`o3`2oo9

so many days le. i still cant make up my mind.
kinda disappointed in myself.
why am i becoming like that?! i am always indecisive. even in crucial times.
i just cant stand myself being like that.
how come like that. going mad soon.
now i realised that my mood will be extremely lousy whenever i blog.
pathetic. but blogging is like a time for me to reflect myself.
then the more i reflect, the more lousy i felt.
i decided. to reflect and to ask myself these questions then everything will end here.
shall not let this bother my mind too much.
if not it will burst.
haix. i am now in the middle of nowhere. life is not like the past anymore.
things are getting complicated.
you get to experience different things when you grow, you interact with the surroundings and learn things bits by bits or part by part.
you start to see things from a different angle, you start to have your own perspective
then you start to question.
things are no longer the same. i remember when i was young. how i wished i can be a teacher, a police, a lawyer, a doctor. but those were just simple thinking.
the more you know, the more you realised how unrealistic those thoughts were.
but i believed everyone grew up with the same ambitions.
but now, things were different. not as simple as i thought it is..
i am stuck here. not moving anywhere. not retracting but not even moving in front.
stuck!!!
simply stuck!
can someone just pull me out of here?
i dont want to be such a situation any longer, but i just cant find my way out.
i see the path in front. everything unclear. everything blurr!
i do not want to be trapped in this alone. i will die here!
haix. how can i find a easy way out?! i am not capable of bottling all these things up...
and.. that time.. when i thought things were improving. not really improving but at least glad that there is such a thing happening. but after that. gosh!
is like the moment you wake up from a very beautiful dream!
everything came crushing and trampling down on me. the impact is so large, i just cant take it.
but i had to pretend that nothing really happened. everything was part and parcel of life.
just like how a big bomb destroyed a once vibrant city.
i am left with the debris.. fragments of me left there. fragments.

`am i lost when i know that i was in the midst of somewhere___

`entry 41 different

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 4:10 PM

21`o3`2oo9

it has been so long since i last blogged.
10 days. woa. not very long but feels like it has been very long.
10 days can be considered quite long for many things to happened.
in fact.. things happen. yup.
but now. i dont even know how to put it.
things changed. and is actually different from what i perceived it to be.
learning to adapt to those changes is actually another way to survive it.
but not all changes are adaptable.. furthermore. i need time to adapt it.
not as and when i want.
time is a thing that heal all wounds.
this is fake! time is a factor that makes you forget everything...
eventually when you forget, you forgive...
but this is wrong!!! the sequence is just not right!!!
you should forgive then you forget!
see the difference? haix. it is just like that..
this is life.
life always give you different choices and ask you to choose the best out of it...
i dont like to face so many choices...
i dunno how to make the choices, every decision you make incur an opportunity cost..
the cost of next best alternative forgone..
i used to care too much about things i am losing rather than benefits i will be getting when making a choice.
i just cant make up my mind. i feel that every alternative forgone is a waste!
the things that i will be giving up just bother me so much...
i am going to die from everything i am bottling up now.
where can i find one to share all my troubles with..
somehow feel that not all friends are reliable.
as in i am not saying that i dont have reliable friends.. but!
haix. i dunno. cant find the best way to express myself recently.
everything that i tried to explained just get chocked up in my throat and people dont know what i am talking about. i start to yu wu lun ci.
after years of education, i still cant express myself. failure!
then there are things that i found it hard to express.
like gratitude! a simple thank you does not reach that far.
you cant even sense the sincerity. haix. am i picking too much on details?!
but certainly it is nice to know how much people care for you.
just a simple call makes a difference from one who doesnt care a hoot about you.
my buddy de mama called me to ask about my current situation.
it was really nice of her to call only yesterday since she felt the need for me to calm down.
it is so heart warming to know that someone is actually concered about your being.
i doubt there will be others to have a wonderful buddy mama like me.
it is really so fortunate of me.
though my thank you doesnt travel far, as long as the moment is true, i believe that she will sense it.
then. i just feel that things keep getting into my way.
a phone whereby you cant message properly, cant call.
what the hell is it??! haix. i feel like i am carrying a pager instead.
shit phone. have been niam`ing my phone for so damn long but it still haven recover!
then. i heard something that makes me felt sad.
i dont really know why i felt that way..
but that feeling just came gushing into my heart and lingering still in my mind.
how i wished things will be different.

`how i wished___

`entry 4o just another day

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 12:28 PM

11`o3`2oo9

woa. super sianx. just another day.
sometimes, i really wonder why are we on earth.
and what are we going to do here.
what is the purpose of living on earth.
the major questions that we should be asking ourselves.
guess there wont be much difference with or without me..
i bet it is the same. the whole damn same!
each day after another.. days are almost the same ehx.
no longer feel the drive in me. sianx diao!
everyday is like that! running bonkers soon!
very soon! like yesterday... damn shit..
i really got pissed off while tuitioning chinese!!
lol! what the hell!
haix. then now. super boring! had been having the same routine of life everyday.
gosh! since dunno when. then found new hobby of crystal`ing...
crystal`ing is the only thing that i found the true joy in.
accompanied by levels of satisfaction.
hmmx. maybe opening blog shop.. hahas.
must see what my business partner`s say first.. lol
as i was saying.. there wont be much difference with or without me..
hmmx. think this is very true.
the earth will continue to revolve around the sun.
the sun will continue to rise and set.
the low tides and high tides will still happen during the estimated time.
time continues and life goes on...
neither did i play a significant role is somebody's life [except for my family]
nor make any significant contribution to the earth that makes me great.
sooner or later, you will realise that you finally reach the last page of your own book.
this is the true moment you wake up from everything.
life in the past will just become memories or worse still, illusion.
life is always like that. furthermore, since it is a book, the author had already planned and designed everything bahx. predestined.
something that i believed in.
then you are just playing a tiny weeny role in the book.
for me, i am sure that i am not the main lead. always
i do not have what it takes to be the main lead!
no flies or butterflies circling me..
instead, i am the flies or butterflies surrounding others.
maybe the butterflies surrounding the sunflower. whereby the sunflower is reaching for the sun.
so the sun will be the main main lead!
i dreamt to be the sun. but it is just a dream.
dream wont come true like how wishes dont get fulfiled.
there will be miracles when you believe
i once believed that miracles will happen only when you believed. but i had been believing for so damn long that nothing miraculous really happen.
should i continue my wishful thinking?
doubt there will be anyone who choose to believe this.
since i had got nothing to lose while believing then i might as well continue my wishful thinking..
is it just wishful thinking? or am i naive? or rather going back to my delusions again?
haix.. in actual fact this is just avoiding. always true...
ever wondered how life will be without me? or without knowing me?
guess life just goes on...

`life is like that___

`entry 39 day of results release

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 10:32 PM

`o6`o3`2oo9

at least i know i tried.

`dead___

`entry 38 wavering

`addicted___因为我爱上你了 11:18 AM

o5`o3`2oo9

wondering how others feel right now..
think the anxiety and the uncertainty is there in everyone.
gosh! but i just feel that i am having so so so much more than others!
hmmx. i am on tenterhooks since the day i know the day for results release.
seriously, i wonder if others feel the same as me.
initially was like guessing when is the day to release results..
how i wished it is earlier... but now. how i hoped it will come later.
just later... but not now. even one week later?
but... everything is happening on tomorrow.
everything just happen in a blink of the eye
this shows how indecisive i am. and i admit, i am always indecisive.
true. always indecisive
but how can this ever be true.. hmmx. i am shell shocked when i went to the moe website to see for my eyes! the press release mention that results will be release on friday!
lol!! suddenly.. i wish i can stop the time so as to for friday not to reach so soon!
haix! that was just a wish anyway.. people who had the same wish didnt get their wish fulfilled too! hmmx. being optimistic.
hope for the best now..
i got a very serious problem in me..
when i decide to get myself out of the worry.. confirm!
confirm got people wil remind me of it de.
i already tried to believe in myself.. to put my confidence in place...
but things start to happen and waver my confidence. make me start to ponder all about it.
am i doing the right thing?! i dont want to have anything to doubt the confidence in me.
i do not want anything that makes me question myself whether i did the right thing or not..
the more i tried to convince myself.. the more my confidence starts to waver.
the more i question myself... then i start to feel that it isnt really similar to the case i thought about. even before i accede the feeling, all the confidence within me start to vanish.. instantly.
every bit of my confidence just start to drip out of me.. bit by bit.
my confidence bleed dry.
do you know how hard it is for me to realise the intangible and the minute confidence that i grasped just evaporate suddenly.
suddenly everything that hold me together is gone.
i am left like that, destructed
fatalistic people will not really be affected by this bahx?
but how can one easily succumb to fate? is this the very attitude we should have?
i am hollow within me, dried of my confidence, not sure how am i going to move the next step.
will going back to my delusions be better?
the place where i tried to bury myself in.
the place where i tried to avoid everything but to no avail.
that kind of empty just engulfed me.
simple answers. simple answers to simple desires.
i just cant get those answers into me again. there arent even simple answers to my simple desires. the silence and empty inside is so damn loud.
i am left alone inside. cant even reach somewhere near me.
drowning? surviving?
they are both seconds apart. but they meant totally different thing.
only a decision that you make, separates one from another.
but whenever i tried to make one decision, my confidence wavers.
having decisions somewhere here or there is better than having one neither here nor there..

`decided not to let anything waver the confidence in me, hard though___