29`o8`2oo9
i really thought i wont be affected.
but everything felt so different.
i already knew when my uncle told me that he will be going overseas for a project.
i already told myself to be prepared.
and it is always better for him to have a project to work on rather than having none.
i really understand that especially during the times like that.
so i should be glad for him..
and he said he will go, but never mention when he will go.
so i thought the time will be far from now.
far! damn far from now..
i always thought there is tomorrow.
tomorrows after tomorrows. but do you know that actually 'tomorrow' will come?
and it is really tomorrow! which is now! later.
i am so lost for words..
i do not know how to react at that instant.
i just nod my head and said okay. then. my tears just flow out..
the more he ask, the more i cant settle myself down.
i just cant help but start to cry out.
i tried not to cry in front of my cousins, they will be more hurt!
i told myself. i already told myself before!
i told myself not to cry, but that attempt just failed.
that bloody attempt failed me totally! thoroughly and completely!
i cried while walking back. i just dont dare to turn around and look at him.
i told him that i am okay. but in fact i am not!
bloodily not okay! i am so hurt inside yet i dont dare to tell him!
i just left and ran for the lift... he must be hurt too.
i know how bad it is to make him see me cry in front of him!
but i cant control my emotions and everything just break down.
it all broke down at that very instant.
everything i am unhappy and upset about.
everything that i am hiding to myself or pissed off of.
think i am just bottling up everything and just need to let everything out.
i never had a cry since dunno when.
felt kind of weak now, such a failure.
i am even crying while i blog.
why am i like that. useless.
just a few hours before he leave for his project, but i dont think i dare to call him.
it's like.. haix. some more mid-autumn festival is coming. yet he will be doing his project overseas. mid-autumn is the festival!!
每逢佳节倍思亲
this phrase is so damn true!!
haix, i felt so empty and useless in me!
i cried all the way from his place.
while walking, while taking train, while taking bus.
a part of me wanted to call him and wish him all the best for his project.
but the other significant part of me just forbids me to do that.
i suddenly heck my image while travelling home just now..
the true time whereby i expressed my true self. the time i am without a mask.
think people might just think that i am mad! i am so lost now.
do not really know what to do. but he actually meant a lot.
alot a lot to me. he is just like my father! i felt so hurt!
also because of this. i had cried everything out and started to feel a bit better
but not any better to think about it again..
`my attempt of not crying failed me totally_____
`addicted___因为我爱上你了 11:07 PM
27`o8`2oo9
what is sociology?
the study of relationships between individuals and society..
society actually plays a very important role in shaping our thinking and also our perception..
and it's our perception that makes us who we are and how we behave.
so there is a link between human's behaviour and the society.
so should we blame the society for makeing us who we are today??
i start to realised and see everything..
we actually take on a different role everyday. the roles of a daughter, roles of a friend, roles of a passenger, roles of a passer by.
role playing is what we do in our daily lives.
and role playing is it!!
role playing!
people are taking on to different roles, they are actually putting on different masks!
they put on a mask to present how they should or rather would like to appear.
probably `mask a_ then they will "act" very nice to you. will share all laughters with you.
then `mask b_ they will tell you what is right and wrong.
`mask c_ share your problems with you, chat with you.
`mask d_ trying to help you...
`mask e_ console you while you feel down or let you vent your anger at them.
there are many many kinds of mask.
many different masks!
but! when do you know when is the time to put on which mask?
arent you tired of putting on all those masks?
originally, one wanted to put on the mask in order to look nicer, to present themselves in a better way. to cover their shortcomings...
but afterall. you just cant live without the mask! everything will get mixed up.
there are so many types of mask one wants to or rather has to wear when facing different people. they actually lost themselves...
and i am getting sicked of it!
how would i know how to react... i am confused.
one may look friendly, but what it actually look like behind the mask?
i wont know. i wont get to see it! but!
after knowing it's the mask, i think you look fake!
so fake. and i am stunned by everything. i dont know which part of it is real. and how much can i trust you. and trust is something very intangible. once broken, everything will be lost. it requires time to build up, but after losing it, even time will not be able to find it back.
is the face behind the mask really so horrifying that one cant show others?
arent you tired with all these role playing?
if you arent, i am! seriously!! i am sicked and tired of everything!
just wanted to heck everything and forget everything!
but hard to forget and start everything again! simply hard!
perhaps i am having a mask myself too.
having it in front of me to protect me from harms? to act stronger? so as to make people afraid of me? but when is it that i am without a mask? think those closer one should have seen me without a mask before, those are the times that i can play a role call 'myself'.
the role which i am more comfortable with.
maybe due to the fact that they know who i am, and i dont need to hide my feelings in front of them! i really need times to show my real identity.
please remove all the mask! i am afraid of those mask already! sicked of it!
`i am therefore i am_____
`entry 61 friday
`addicted___因为我爱上你了 11:24 AM
21`o8`2oo9
today is friday!!
so fast! my week like pass so fast even without me really noticing!
3 days of lect.. then lunch after lect?! then tuition after lunch!
think partly because of the busy life that i lead?!
woa! have been rushing to school, rushing for tutorials, rushing to meet up with friends for lunch and lastly rush for tuition!
so busy! sometimes i really feel like breaking free from everything! just a moment for me to rest myself well.
havent really get a long well rest!
a well deserved rest that i should get.
i want a good movie!
haix, is it me that is moving too slow or just that the time passes too fast!
how can things ever become like that! i am just getting sicked of everything!
soon! sicked and will dislike everything!
so tired! wonder where's the motivation i found for myself.
now, motivation gone, energy gone, drive gone!
just feel like having all the time
at least do something i enjoy. and letting time pass very slowly!
haix. so sianx!
going tuition soon! then after that, find some time to break free from everything..
and to let everything pass so slowly.
the paces of life is so fast that leads you to the end.
but in the end... what do you get?!
sometimes process of walking is more important than reaching the end point!
the scenery, the people, the things and the objects that made up your life.
each of them actually meant something and leading to different thing.
just like how every decision which is made will lead to different outcome.
life is about making decision at different point in times.
so actually life is just a reoccurence of things that happens.
i need my time!!!!
`too tired_____
`entry 60 inspiration
`addicted___因为我爱上你了 11:10 AM
17`o8`2oo9
i just realised that i always never fails to get my inspiration and motivation!!!
from somewhere and someone!
lol!
hahas. everything is like so meaningful.
i learnt somewhere just now,
`The best will make it, the ones who tried their best will eventually make it___
quite inspiring! at least not for the front part, i can still believe that i will eventually make it and going to try my best!
at the very least, giving up is nowhere near, neither it is better.
afterall, it is the process that is more important, the process that you learn from and also the process where you gain knowledge from it.
despite evertyhing not going smoothly, but, all these are just part and parcel of life.
you dont get to plan your life anyway, so life is always full of uncertainties.
only going through this door will lead you to the next. you will not reach the end point if you decide not to move and lament on everything. lamenting brings you no where, but trying does...
to believe in everything you have and to grab hold of every opportunities, make the best out of everything! believe in the decision you made and live with it!
eventually....
it will all work out!
`inspired, movtivated_____
`entry 59 notes~
`addicted___因为我爱上你了 12:41 AM
o8`o8`2oo9
asking sincerely..
energy
please come back!
i need
you a lot!
`i meant it, seriously_____
`entry 58 memories
`addicted___因为我爱上你了 12:13 AM
o8`o8`o9
memories...
something that you remember from the past
past events or events remembered.
memories are always beautiful and i regretted not living in memories..
or delusion.
sometimes, when the earth just revolves too fast,
or the ticking of clock just seems so rush.
then you feel like slowing down. even just for once!
can memories be brought back?! and start all over again..
ALL OVER AGAIN.
but again, will things change if a different decision was made?
will it be a total different thing?!
how i wish to go back again..
without it, i am lost.
just like... haix. the feeling of lost is so hard to describe..
everything seems to be lost in direction.
so lack of energy in everything i do!
LACK OF ENERGY, MOTIVATION, DRIVE!
haix, i wondered what really happened.
since i was the one saying all the craps.
my mind is in a whirl and everything doesnt seems right!
memories are meant to be beautiful so as to let it be memorable.
everything in memory is so perfect.
memories are beautiful because they are short!
but just because they are short, i havent had enough of it!
haix. so many things left unsaid and undone.
adding up to the whole load of regrets i already had!
when can i live without all these regrets?
things are always easier said than done!
`regretting_____
`entry 57 first day
`addicted___因为我爱上你了 10:42 PM
o4`o8`2oo9
woa. oh my god!
since when blogger became like this!
should be due to the face that i havent been blogging for long.
no loyal fans too! haix.
but... anyways...
today is the first day of school..
initially i longed for school to start, but now i dread going to school!
lol! no motivation any more!! woa, unlike when i was in JJC! LOL
i dread going to SCHOOL!
so tired! i yi shi hu tu...
then i waited for xinni, meiqi and moo like so early at the station.
then lecture was another ordeal! lol
can die lo.
the 2nd lecture of the day more worse!!!
i now then understand the `drinking a cup of coffee theory. that was crap lahx!
oh my god! can fall asleep.
then moo also showed me how extreme people do extreme things at their very extreme ends...
after that meet zoey.. woa! thanks so much for her listening ears!
if not i can die bottling up everything!! really glad to have one to depend on! REALLY!
then like.. i am on the verge of falling..
i am used to everything.. so used to it that i somehow took it for granted...
i thought it has became part of my routine, so a bit restless when things became like that.
i know i am falling but i cant afford to fall!!! cant fall!
sweet things are meant to be eaten, but i believed that they are meant to be fallen upon..
everything is so perfect!!! i am so used to the everything i once held..
`i need my 'energy' back_____
