29`o8`2oo9

i really thought i wont be affected.
but everything felt so different.
i already knew when my uncle told me that he will be going overseas for a project.
i already told myself to be prepared.
and it is always better for him to have a project to work on rather than having none.
i really understand that especially during the times like that.
so i should be glad for him..
and he said he will go, but never mention when he will go.
so i thought the time will be far from now.
far! damn far from now..
i always thought there is tomorrow.
tomorrows after tomorrows. but do you know that actually 'tomorrow' will come?
and it is really tomorrow! which is now! later.
i am so lost for words..
i do not know how to react at that instant.
i just nod my head and said okay. then. my tears just flow out..
the more he ask, the more i cant settle myself down.
i just cant help but start to cry out.
i tried not to cry in front of my cousins, they will be more hurt!
i told myself. i already told myself before!
i told myself not to cry, but that attempt just failed.
that bloody attempt failed me totally! thoroughly and completely!
i cried while walking back. i just dont dare to turn around and look at him.
i told him that i am okay. but in fact i am not!
bloodily not okay! i am so hurt inside yet i dont dare to tell him!
i just left and ran for the lift... he must be hurt too.
i know how bad it is to make him see me cry in front of him!
but i cant control my emotions and everything just break down.
it all broke down at that very instant.
everything i am unhappy and upset about.
everything that i am hiding to myself or pissed off of.
think i am just bottling up everything and just need to let everything out.
i never had a cry since dunno when.
felt kind of weak now, such a failure.
i am even crying while i blog.
why am i like that. useless.
just a few hours before he leave for his project, but i dont think i dare to call him.
it's like.. haix. some more mid-autumn festival is coming. yet he will be doing his project overseas. mid-autumn is the festival!!
每逢佳节倍思亲
this phrase is so damn true!!
haix, i felt so empty and useless in me!
i cried all the way from his place.
while walking, while taking train, while taking bus.
a part of me wanted to call him and wish him all the best for his project.
but the other significant part of me just forbids me to do that.
i suddenly heck my image while travelling home just now..
the true time whereby i expressed my true self. the time i am without a mask.
think people might just think that i am mad! i am so lost now.
do not really know what to do. but he actually meant a lot.
alot a lot to me. he is just like my father! i felt so hurt!
also because of this. i had cried everything out and started to feel a bit better
but not any better to think about it again..

`my attempt of not crying failed me totally_____